Wife: I want to see some snow.
Me: You might get to see 3 to 4 inches tonight.
Wife: I’d rather see snow.
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Me: Hey, great costume, buddy! You look like a real…
Him: Ma’am, please step out of the vehicle.
Ate a healthy dinner, so I’m having pringles for dessert.
*DOG Talks
Dog (wearing headset):
So when I realized I didn’t *have* to fetch the ball, the power dynamic between me and my human shifted dramatically.
Thought about doing many things today but that’s as far as I got.
You’re never too old to ride inside of a shopping cart…
No matter what the store manager says.
Me: Excuse me waiter, my fish is ice cold
Waiter [who is a penguin]: *eats the fish*
“Please make people stop believing things without any evidence,” I whisper to the invisible magic man in the sky
First of all, I didn’t take it, and second, I already put it back.
My Kid: (seeing Wife with a plate of fries) Mommy, can I have some of your fries?
Wife: No. (Points at me who is also having fries) Go ask Daddy
My Kid: Daddy, can I have some of Mommy’s fries
My Brain: Don’t high five your kid right now. Don’t high five your kid right now…
I can’t take anymore of this 50 Shades of Grey promo. It’s still your basic Cinderella story. Now she just has a ball gag.
Remember when the biggest problem we faced was Gangnam Style
The Heimlich maneuver doesn’t work when you choke on your own words…..I know this now
I just want to be important enough that someone unexpectedly puts a cup of coffee in my hand, which I gratefully accept with only a nod.
#1: Too many people still answer the phone like they don’t know who’s calling.
Hey Mexican food restaurant waiter, if the basket is empty you don’t have to ask. YES I WANT MORE CHIPS!
Netflix would be by far the best dating site. “Here are 9 other singles in your area who have also watched Pokemon for 12 straight hrs”
I’m happy my date didn’t snoop in my medicine cabinet but sad I spent an hour setting up 40 ping pong balls in there for nothing
Number one rule as a snake charmer, never fall in love.
BOSS: Welcome aboard! This is the time clock—
ME: All clocks are ‘time’ clocks, you simpleton.
So tired of every man on dating apps saying they’re looking for someone spontaneous. Sir I have anxiety and a career I need a plan.
Laughter is the best medicine……..unless you have Morphine. Then Morphine is the best medicine.
I represented criminals before I switched to divorce law. Not one accused murderer or drug dealer ever scared me more than the soccer mom who just found out her husband is cheating on her with the PTA Vice President.
I put in an order at a deli. The woman helping me had a name tag that said “Kate.” While she was getting my food, another employee bumped into her. I said “Be careful. She’s very Deli Kate.”
They stared at me like I’d grown a second head. Well I thought it was funny…
For Lent, I’ve decided to stop murdering drifters in the woods off 495.
If Stephen King wrote Mean Girls: yeah so first we need more pig’s blood in this scene.
My 7yo gave up a simple joke thats good enough 2 laugh at.
Why did the chewing gum cross the road?
Cause it was stuck on the chicken’s foot!
Getting fired from the coroners office for yelling “IS IT CAKE?!” before every autopsy
Oh, you have dignity? Well I have nachos. I win.
why are you as a non alcoholic cocktail priced in the double digits
Not to brag but I can forget what I’m doing as I’m doing it