*during an argument
**command Z, command Z
Well damn, that didn’t work
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friend: wait, so she really left you because of how you pronounce certain words?
me: yeah, so supposebly I pronounce it “expresso” and it makes her exspecially upset, idk
Person: “I hate geology puns.”
Me: “My sediments exactly.”
The kids report cards are coming out today so I’m excited to see how I did.
Accidentally mixed up Sudoku and Sepukku again. Long story short it’s a good thing I was already in a doctor’s waiting room
People always say I make things sound sexual but I try not to pry them open and force my thick throbbing opinion down inside them.
My favorite Bible stories are where women are villains for things like picking fruit or getting their boyfriend a better haircut.
Choose a job that you love, and your boss will never have to work a day in their life.
I can’t believe I have appendicitis in the middle of a global pandemic. this is legit funny like can my body read the room one time???
He: “I think all my dating apps are in Halloween mode.”
She: “Halloween mode?”
He: “Yes, everyone is ghosting me.”
#Halloween #RubbishJokes
“people on the internet are so unhinged” no that’s just people in general, the internet is just how you find out
We mostly tweet about the velociraptors and the t rex because we don’t know what the other ones are called
Dog Mechanic: The repair is gonna take longer than expected.
“Why’s that?”
Dog Mechanic: The clutch is worn out, also because I am a dog.
You get a fish bite!
You get a fish bite!
You get a fish bite!
You’re all getting fish bites!– OPiranha
” All I’m saying is if your girl wasn’t thinking about me during sex, why is she always screaming my name?”
-God
He said he absolutely would not hang Christmas lights today when I asked. Anyway, he’s almost done hanging the lights, they look very nice.
Dude, I know this is Sparta. There’s like a huge sign at the front gates. Why are you yelling at me?
I threw my bra on stage at a concert once. It landed somewhere in the flute section.
Sometimes I swear I’m reading a post about a reliable used car and the whole time it’s a man wishing his wife a happy anniversary
CAT: so thirsty
ME: *gives water*
CAT: *knocks bowl over on purpose*
CAT: hey! dying of thirst here
When I get home the first thing I’m going to do is rip my wife’s panties off. Because too small and the elastic is killing me.
You know what this new carpet needs? For me to open a tube of blue toothpaste, and jump up and down on it.
– My 4yo. Apparently.
Me: *screaming*
HELP!! AHHHH! HELP! I CAN’T SEE!!Him: Are you stuck in your sweater again?
Me: *muffled voice*
Maybe.
[fluffing Pillow]
Me: so what made you pick Pillow as a stage name?
I forgot the word “torch” earlier today so I googled “fire on a stick.” I have two degrees in English.
My family wanted a Disney experience so I charged them $150 to stand in a line for three hours before taking our daughter to the bathroom.
If they stop texting back you need to assume they’ve died and move on. If you see them out just smile because you ain’t afraid of no ghost
I’m not saying they’re stupid, but certain people I know would use a broom on a fire extinguisher after reading “sweep side to side”
Soooo….. This what yall be doing huh🤣 🤣
Evil Scientist: I will turn you three into…A Human Centipede!
Hostage 1: No!
Hostage 2: Please! No!
Me: So…who gets to be the front?
I asked the cashier if she could validate my parking. “You park real good,” she said.