Ate a few shrooms & thought I was saving a baby from a building fire but I was really just climbing down from my bunk bed w/ a bag of fritos
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Guys, I hate to tell ya this, but applied tiger balm liberally this morning and I’m still not a tiger.
date: i think i’m going to leave.
me: [absolutely covered with seaweed] but your bio said you LIKED long walks on the beach.
If a man put his empty deodorant under his wife’s pillow in the morning a new stick will appear on the bathroom counter.
Wife: Rock the baby.
Me: *plugs in amp*
Before you get on the elliptical next to me, just know that I’m an ugly crier.
[restaurant]
WAITER: here’s your check
ME: can we split it
WAITER: yes of course
DATE: *reaches for card*
ME: no it’s cool me and the waiter got this
I see you’ve blocked me on all social media sites & moved house without leaving a forwarding address
Baby, does this mean we’re on a break?
[Friend who gave birth a week ago]
“I’m on the treadmill!”
[Me who gave birth 18 years ago]
“My tailbone still hurts”
I believe the plural is “milves.”
Husband: *snoring*
It’s like he’s trying to tell me something
*snoring*
What is it boy?
*snoring intensifies*
Timmy’s stuck in a well?
I decided to become a dad when I noticed how many kids never finish their nuggets.
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
STOP MAKING IT WEIRD
I’m no scientist, but if that ebola virus is communicable, that means WE CAN TALK TO IT.
Emergency Vet: your cat seems fine
Me: she thinks I don’t feed her enough
Forget about whether or not you have curves, real women have brains.
Something crazy about Hollywood’s silent film age is that a guy will be driving a train off a cliff while being attacked by lions and you’ll think “Wow, how’d they do that effect!” then you look it up and they literally had lions attack a guy while he drove a train off a cliff
“Alcohol is just water with feelings in it,” said the girl who failed chemistry.
Sure kids are great but have you tried sleep?
A no carb diet can make you detached, remote and standoffish so occasionally you should eat aloof of bread.
“Nothing there? Better bark at it.” – a dog
COP: drop the gun
CRIMINAL: no
COP: [flipping through police handbook, whispers to partner] it doesnt say what to do if he says no
I made the mistake of telling my son I found a hair on my chin and now he keeps calling me Pops
me: wHaT iS It DocToR
dr: you have a disease that makes you mock people
me: oH No Is iT CoNTaGiOuS
dr: oH No Is iT CoNTaGiOuS
Spices were first brought to Europe in the Middle Ages, and some of them are still at the back of my cupboard.
*sees cute guy approaching*
Me: *whispers to self* Don’t be weird… don’t be weird…
Him: Hey.
Me: *wombat noises*
I will never own a smart watch. I have enough things telling me what to do.
It’s adorable when you give someone an informed opinion that they completely dismiss and then someone else basically says the exact same thing and now it’s a brilliant idea they’ve never heard before.
WHY would you be happy about this?