Dinner then: lean protein, fresh vegetables, good carbs
Dinner now: on the rocks
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Spring is finally here. Time to clean the dog shit in the yard.
You know what celebrity they should get for Dancing With the Stars? That plastic bag from American Beauty.
Some days I want to leave everything and just run away with him. Other days I want to own 3 baby dragons and be fireproof and naked.
Being a parent is kind of like being a Scooby Doo villain. I would’ve gotten away with so many things if it weren’t for these meddling kids.
My favorite thing about single people is how they champion being single till they like someone then they transform into a hypocritcalpotamus
Canadians celebrate Thanksgiving earlier than Americans because we’ve learned to space out forcible family get-togethers
BOSS: I set up a Suggestion Box. Please don’t hesitate to-
ME: [staring directly at boss while slowly stuffing cream cheese bagel into box]
You wait until midnight for the next game of wordle? So basically you wait and wait and there’s all this hooplah for three minutes of fun? This reminds me of something.
Went for a drug test today in my glasses with a mask on the entire time. I could have sent someone else.
Let’s be honest, you don’t ”watch” tv, you use it as a backround echo creating machine like the rest of us
Wife: “Tony is coming round”
Me: “Charity collector Tony or Mafia boss Tony?”
Tony: “I’m here for the money.”
*DRAMATIC CLIFFHANGER*
Engineers: “okay, so we agree the space between the seat and the console will allow people to see what they dropped but never retrieve it”
I should’ve gotten my affairs in order before I decided to bite into this hot pepper.
Me : Sorry Boss, I’m late as I had to drop my girlfriend at her college.
Boss : If you are late again you are fired.
Me : Fine, YOU can drop your daughter at college from tomorrow.
It’s perfectly normal to shave your legs just from the top of your boots to the hem of your dress, right?
Wife: I had to retire a pair of undies and the next one in the rotation was white,
I hate white pantiesMe: well, that’s the last time they’ll be white, so…
Does anyone want to help me try to find my last 2 molars?
They’re either under the fridge or I swallowed them
[reclining with sliced cucumber on my eyes]
My passengers: “Aaaaaaaaaaah!”
Me: I ate all the chips.
Wife: What!? For the boys’ lunches!? Well, at least we still have cheeze its.
Me: You’re not going to believe this
Age is just a number….that now takes a really long time to scroll to.
*Listening to red hot chili peppers*
Me: You call that music? I can’t even hear anything!
Worker: Sir, stop putting produce to your ear.
My villain power is instantly answering insults with vicious burns like:
“I’m going to throw something at you that will stick in your face forever”
“Make like Job and suffer endlessly” &
“Nice shoes. Did you make ’em?”
*crying and eating cookie dough ice cream*
HUSBAND: Did you have a bad day?
ME: No. Why?
Honest ads – ‘Hot singles in your area want to be just friends’. ‘Hot singles in your area think of you more like a brother’.
I can’t bend my pinky without my ring finger bending as well..is this normal?
Let’s hear your results ’cause I know you just tried it.
Amazon talking about show them proof I didn’t get the package 😒
If you see me in Atlanta this weekend, at a Taylor Swift concert, that’s not me.
What jugglers do best
1. Juggle
2. Make people who can’t juggle feel bad for not being able to juggle
A thread of some SAVAGE/DEEPEST REPLIES in “Black Panther”
1.
I’m at my most James Bond when I charge past the guards*, use my atomic laser**, and open the safe***
* 3 cats
** can opener
*** catfood can
Top uses for a bathroom exhaust fan:
3. Remove moisture from the air
2. Remove odor from the air
1. Cover up disgusting sounds