when i hear fat people say that they’ve made mistakes, i always think to myself, “yeaa…at the grocery store.”
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HIM: [gravely voice] I hunt vampires by night
ME: Wouldn’t it be easier during the day?
HIM: I have to go now
If a tree falls in the woods can I stand under it so I don’t have to go to work tomorrow?
Every night when you sleep,I sneak into your house, full of desire.
I then reduce the amount of marshmallowy treats in your cereal&go home.
The most difficult thing you’ll do as a parent is not rearrange the ornaments after the kids put them on the tree.
If God judges me solely on my twenties, I’ll be going to hell in at least five different religions.
Prayers for my 4yo who despite many attempts is currently unable to remove his nose
[FBI job interview]
“Do you have any self defense training?”*flashback to hiding behind fence from teenagers* Yes I’m skilled at fencing.
Showering is the worst. You mean I’ve gotta clean this body AGAIN? Has it been rolling in the mud? No. It’s been checking emails and watching Netflix. It is now unpresentably filthy. Stand in this loud wet box and confront your mortal vessel. You can’t even play a phone game.
People like to encourage you with helpful advice like “sing like no one is listening” but hate it when you actually do it in line at the Target checkout
ME: you really put the cute in executione-
WARDEN: alright hit the switch
[4:30 AM]
Wife: I thought I told you to rock the baby to sleep
Me: *turning down Enter Sandman* What does it look like I’m doing, Karen
finished mowing the grass, thus solving the problem once and for all
Louis Lane “there is no way broccoli is a superfood!”
Broccoli *takes spectacles off*
Louis Lane “My God! Look, it’s a superfood!”
A new restaurant in my neighborhood offers a tasting menu but it just tasted like paper to me.
Maybe if we all tell the virus we need to talk, it’ll break up with us first.
texting with my sister in law fighting for my life to keep up with her exclamation points
her: wanna be my fwb?
me: friends with bacon???
her: …
Parentz Bop
-Here We Come A Tattling
-Deck The Walls With Permanent Markers
-Jingle Bells My Teen Smells
-Hark The Kids Are Out Of Bed
-All I Want For Christmas Is You To Stop Fighting
-God Rest Ye Tired Parents
-It’s Beginning To Look A lot Like Christmas Is Cancelled
If da Vinci were alive today, the “Mona Lisa” would have been called “IMG-20121020-00463.jpg”
[husband reaching for me in bed]
me: sorry you’ve exceeded your rate limit
If two women are fighting, put them in the bathroom. Women get along very well in bathrooms
Y’all!! I’m dying I ordered delivery to my hotel and here they have a robot that takes it up to you. The robot got here and then REFUSED to give me my food and instead just said “going home now” and drove off. Haha the future is WILD y’all
I just said hello and waved to a baby and the baby puked I must not be looking good today
it’s weird that the skin that holds in all the organs of our body can be opened with a sharp piece of paper seems like a huge design flaw
I’m uncomfortable sharing my feelings with you but completely comfortable standing next to a complete stranger while urinating.
Guys.
BOROMIR: One does not simply walk into Mordor.
[Later]
FRODO: *Rollerblading into Mordor* So literally—
SAM: *Doing the Charleston into Mordor* Yeah literally anything but walking will get you in.
Considering “natural” childbirth?
You wouldn’t have a tooth pulled without painkillers, right? This is an 8lb tooth. From your crotch.
If a picture is worth a thousand words then why does everyone only buy Playboy magazine for the articles?
My boss at the stencil factory once asked me to make a template for work, so next morning I went to the temp’s house and let her tyres down
Her: Can you babysit?
Me: Uh, what do I do?
H: Play games & stuff.
M: Like drinking games?
H: He’s 2.
M:
H:
M: So like no hard liquor or…?