As a kid, I thought Simba was crazy to run after Mufasa was killed.
But, after watching so many true crime docs, I get it. It does look like he lured his dad to that gorge. Witnesses heard him sing “I just can’t wait to be king.”
A good prosecutor could get a conviction with that
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Soldier: The target entered a building
General: Find and detain him
Soldier: It’s… a candy cane factory
General: *slams fist* DAMN YOU WALDO
i like my men the same way i like my coffee; steadily getting cooler, as i inevitably forget they’re sitting next to me.
Halloween combines my 3 least favorite things: Answering the door, giving away food and children.
My toddler held my hand all the way to the bathroom, gave me a kiss when I sat down, then stole my toilet paper roll and ran out of the bathroom laughing in case you were wondering what it’s like to be a parent.
it was a valiant fight
You: Nothing more patriotic than fireworks on the 4th of July.
Your dog: OMG! KIM JONG-UN IS UNLEASHING THE FULL POWER OF HIS NUCLEAR STOCKPILE. THIS IS NOT A DRILL! REPEAT: NOT. A. DRILL.
*Tries to get makeup off*
Makeup: I have a boyfriend.
OTHER KIDS IN RESTAURANT: Restlessly coloring on a placemat waiting for food.
MY KIDS: Have already flipped over a booth & set it on fire.
*I finish setting up a display of skeletons in my front yard*
Neighbor: Great Halloween display!
Me: What is halloween?
Saw a woman leave her dog in the car, engine running, air on. He watched her from the front seat for a moment and then drove away
The first guy to stain glass was probably like, “oh no”
Kids, no one will ever understand you like your high school love. Get pregnant and marry them right away. You know better than everyone.
pros and cons of being the last person alive on earth, according to my 8 year old:
con: loneliness
pro: every dog on the planet now belongs to you
triscuits are the perfect snack for anyone who has ever wanted to eat wicker furniture
Whoever first said “No news is good news” never had their cable & Internet go out for two days
$4.99 for a box of saltines? My neighborhood grocery store thinks it’s a Whole Foods now.
Like that scene in ‘The Revenant’ where Leo is mauled by the bear but it’s just me at your wedding reception dancing with your grabby aunt.
A guy in line just asked me to hold his coffee and I’m like I’m not looking for anything serious right now.
“I’m just here for a good time, not for a long time.”
– me, talking to the fridge
Friend: You have guacamole on your face.
Me: *wipes it off with finger, smears it on her cheek*
You have guacamole on your face.
By the time you finish reading this tweet, you will be slightly closer to death than you were before.
I hope it was worth it.
“There are hot Shingles in your area”
– My Doctor
My husband is weird and enjoys drinking things out of jars and last night he 100% looked me straight in the face and said “we should open up our own coffee shop where we serve the coffee out of jars and call it Jarbucks”
[at the dentist]
him: come and lie on the chair
me: ok
him: not face down
[job interview]
“Do you have any addictions or habits that we should know about?”
*takes long drag from cigarette*
Not that I’m aware of.
Someone’s overfeeding that damn cat.
I mean.. there’s something like Stonehenge in her litter box.
[texting]
WIFE: need to talk when u get home
ME: about what
WIFE: too much to text just wait till u get home
ME: *never goes home*
It’s not about how funny you are, it’s about how funny people think you are. And the majority of people are mentally retarded.
cute date idea: we go to home depot, you keep a lookout for security while I grab some of the plants they keep outside, we casually walk away with 2-7 new fruit trees