[The Gorge in the Pride lands]
Water buffalo 1: *tramples over Mufasa* Didn’t we go to that guy’s baby shower?
Water buffalo 2: *shrugs*
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As my dog lovingly stares at me as I’m buzzed out on cold meds, I wonder if he can drive a stick shift and go get me some Doritos.
My God! Have you seen the cost of funerals? No wonder people are living longer
If Jesus was from Nazareth, why does he have a Mexican name?
Always love a woman for her personality. They have like 10, so you can choose.
[first day working at the pizzeria]
Me [cheeks full like a hamster]: boss, we’ve run out of everything
“So You Were Trying to Be Polite But Now He Wants to Wear Your Skin As Pajamas: A Woman’s Guide to the Internet”
me: which suit should I wear
her: I like both
[later]
her: how did the interview go
me: he asked why I wear two suits
Homeschooling, Day whatever: This school really needs a new janitor.
If she thinks Simon and Garfunkel are the names of your lawyers, she may be too young for you bro.
My eyebrows are looking ferocious. They’re about to hop off my face & maul someone.
Hey check out this new candle I got.
-Sweet. What flavor is it?
I think you mean ‘what scent is it?’
*with a mouthful of candle wax*
-What?
A friend of mine just said, Am I the only one who gives my dog a massage?
Well, I replied, I can honestly say I’ve never given your dog a massage.
Kinda gross IMO, but I guess everyone needs a hobby.
If she says “I have a question but don’t lie”, just know that she already has eight photos, three witnesses, a voice message and eighty six screenshots.
I tried to cook beef Wellington. It was just beef Okayington
Me: it’s just a few spoonfuls of ice cream, why are you freaking out?
Him: that’s a ladle
I know restaurants have to make a living but a pet hate is “extra toppings: £2.30!” and then it’s clearly one anchovy or half an olive spread around the pizza
I know for a fact that the devil exists because I have to pee real bad every time I finish chopping a jalapeño
im pitting my doctors against each other like divorced parents. tellin my dentist that the podiatrist said i can have sugar cubes
5 is threatening Siri that he’s gonna turn off the iPad bc she’s not doing what he wants
Google, Microsoft and Disney are
among suitors for TwitterWill it be
Twoogle ?
Twindows ?
The Wonderful World of Tweets ?Be prepared
ME: *puts on sunglasses*
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: *slaps them off my face* glasses made of the sun would instantaneously melt your head
Me: how much for the goth harmonica?
Store Clerk: that’s a cheese grater
me, turning into a werewolf: get out of here. it’s not safe
girl: [holding a tennis ball behind back] i think i’ll b fine lmao
For as long as that song was, you’d think the Ghost Busters would have mentioned their phone number at least once…
GUY: Your logic is flawed. According to experts-
ME: Excuse me, but I practiced this argument in my head & you’re saying the wrong things
ME: Cant sleep. Theres too much going on in the world
MY WIFE: Whats bothering u?
ME: If Garfield didnt have a job, why did he hate Mondays?
This might sound like an off the wall question. But what do you think of parkour?
Okay hear me out.
I cooked up bacon in my cast iron, then made sausage patties in the bacon grease, and THEN made gravy out of the bacon AND sausage grease.
I’d marry me
99% of celebrating your birthday as an adult just consists of texting back “thanks so much ❤️”.