In 2000 years, people will celebrate all this with chocolate eggs delivered by an imaginary rabbit.
~Time travelling me, to Pontius Pilate.
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Flew too close to the sun? Buddy, I live too close to the sun.
GENIE: You have three wishes.
ME: I wish I had a million dollars.
GENIE: Granted. You had a million dollars.
Ahhh December 1st. Time to start using Santa as a threat.
I ate vegetables and now I’m hungrier than before. Donuts don’t betray me like this.
These teams are playing like they know whoever wins goes to the White House
Im going out tonight with my new friends, dont wait up!
*runs into the sunset with a pack of wild squirrels*
#ImNotWorriedCuz I’ve got a license
Face ID always wanting me to suppress my emotions this is a toxic relationship
I’m a hiring manager with a team of nine. Two are called Tom. I recently interviewed a candidate for my team. He was almost perfect but I can’t hire him because he is also called Tom and two Tom’s are enough.
me: what makes you angry
pirate: when someone steals my p
Bunnies are not the same as cats, but I dare you to tell the difference in a blind taste test.
Her: *whispering seductively in my ear* Tell me what you want baby.
Me: *whispering back* I was thinking maybe Thai food but up to you.
My 6 year old is telling me a story, oh wait, now he’s 9.
Smoking kills. Smoking panics. Smoking tries to hide the body.
If chameleons were better at their jobs we wouldn’t even know there were chameleons.
My kids found their Kit Kats and then accused me of hiding them. Like WTF, how shameful are these kids to go into my closet?
I flossed the egg out of my teeth for this?
“Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?”
No sun.
I gave up trying to get this sport bra off. It’s a hat now
asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life
Trump’s rhetoric has become even more disturbing and incendiary. Today he claimed “Burger King fries are as good as McDonald’s fries.”
(watching the Alien crawl around vents and slowly kill off my crew mates) I could fix him…
During my annual gynecologist visit:
Gyno: I’m going to stick this in. You might feel a little pressure.
Me: *giggling* That’s what he said.
Gyno:
Nurse:
Me: Oh shit! Did I say that out loud?
For lunch today, I think I will have a blistering hot bowl of ice cold soup. Thanks microwave.
Scrooge: you there, girl, what day is it?
Rebecca Black: *inhales*
I just want the confidence of my grandpa in church taking a call from the pharmacy on speaker phone to confirm his Viagra prescription.
Websites really should skip the log in screen and just go straight to the reset password screen.
You (irrational, cowardly): Don’t panic, but there’s a small fire in the building
Me (stoic, level-headed, brave even): *picks you up and uses you as a battering ram for my hurried escape*
Dear animals who hide from humans, I get it.
Every hotel is like: “Yes we’ll have tiny bars of soap and bottles of shampoo waiting for you but TOOTHPASTE IS WHERE WE DRAW THE LINE!!!”