to discover what’s going on with justin bieber we caught up with his manager scooter braun, who is named after two different types of razors
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The D word that everyone’s been feeling at work is depression. I guessed the wrong word, apparently.
Aaaaand there’s HR calling me. Brb.
Forgot the word for flamingo earlier so I called it a karate turkey.
When an elevator stops on a floor and no one gets on or off, I always think ghost.
“WHAT IS THAT NOISE?”
“Mom…”
“IS IT DEATH METAL?”
“It’s…”
“ARE YOU A DEVIL WORSHIPPER?!”
“One Direction.”
“ARE YOU GONNA KILL THE DOG?!”
WORM 911: what’s ur emergency
FLATWORM: I CUT MYSELF BAD
WORM 911: u need medical help?
FLATWORM: wait, there’s 2 of me now. we’re good.
[plot twist] ur buried vertically
Protip: If your coworker has a picture of herself and her dog labeled “Beauty and the Beast” you shouldn’t ask her which one is which.
Sorry I dressed up your babies for a cowboys and Indians reenactment.
It was super cute until the smallpox incident.
My New Years resolution is to be more of an enabler, like yes girl text your ex
team rocket: that boy’s pikachu is special
meowth: hey
team rocket: we need it
meowth: im literally the only pokemon who can talk
team rocket: that pikachu is so unique no other pokemon will do
Meowth: guys
team rocket: only that pikachu is deserving of love
Win every disagreement by saying ” I know. I’m from the future.” Because they can argue with you, but not science.
Real quick before I run out and get a gym membership. Anyone like me fluffy before I go to all this trouble?
Wife: WHY ARE YOU STANDING IN THE KITCHEN NAKED.
Me: Who cares? I’m on a conference call. No one can see.
Boss: Rod can you mute your phone please.
My fish makes so much noise during the night that I wake up six times a night to ask him if we are fighting
Growing up, my weather app was a window. Now I need two forecasts and a radar map just to decide how I should do my hair.
[after having one kid then having twins]
wife: we should have sexfibonacci: absolutely not
*gets coronavirus* but that’s impossible i have toilet paper
[funeral]
minister: *makes hilarious joke during eulogy*
guy in casket: i am literally dead
I was worried that Tim Kaine was too boring and then I remembered entertainment is what got us into this mess.
Me: *delivering breakfast in bed*
Wife: OMG! What a nice surprise!
Me: Would you say it was uneggspected?
Wife:
Me: Omelette you eat now
I don’t watch wedding shows and get excited about getting married but I do watch Dateline and get excited about being murdered.
A lot of people don’t know this but if you’re turned into a vampire you don’t actually get a vampire name.
Some of you will just be Gary the Vampire
Police – OPEN UP OR WE ARE COMING IN
Me- SOUNDS GREAT CAN YOU GRAB MY CHARGER FROM MY CAR
“Your keys are over THERE.”
– Wow. You have eagle eyes!
“Yup. My vision is 20/20.”
– No. I mean they’re small, beady & kinda close together.
[talking to family after emergency surgery]
Your positive energy saved my lifeSurgeon: *waves hand* umm hello
i scammed $50,000 from a financial advice columnist does anyone need anything?
After years of experiments, I have concluded that lighting a stranger’s cigarette is the only time you can flirt with someone by setting fire to one of their possessions.
The best way to infuriate a mom is to open a second box of something when there’s still a box of the same thing already open.
I opened the internet to read today’s news and quickly said “Oh, god, sorry” and closed it like I’d walked in on an unlocked bathroom stall.
Qsieowrrtpd
That’s me picking off pieces of quinoa from my iPad