”My intentions are not pure” I whisper as I put on yoga pants with no intention of doing yoga.
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The check engine light could be more specific…is it ‘holy shit stop the car right now’ or ‘proceed with caution for the next 6000 miles’?
There is nothing more enjoyable than watching a child being chased by a seagull.
Priest: for what have you come to ask forgiveness, my dear?
Me: my student loans
Priest: [to god] can…can she do that?
Ugh don’t you hate it when you accidentally leave the volume up on your phone & the next stall hears the *click* when you snapchat your turd
Found 6 cents in the laundry and all I can say is this family better start tipping better if they want fabric softener
My wife hid the wrong eggs 3 months ago & now there are about 100,000 baby sea turtles walking through our neighborhood asking for directions.
Doughnut boxes advertise “ZERO TRANS FAT” as if anyone buying a box of doughnuts cares about the nutritional content.
I’m Asian, but not wears a kimono, eats dogs, owns a bonsai tree, knows how to use chopsticks, waxes on waxes off, good at the math, Asian.
Him: Do you swallow?
Me: Every time I chew.
I was about to confront my husband about the strange blonde hairs I found in our house until I realised my kid’s werewolf Halloween mask was moulting.
I don’t want to open a can of worms in a china shop but mixed metaphors can be very effective and logical to boot. No bull.
“How many fingers do I have up?”
– a gynecologist who thinks he’s really funny
Blackout curtains because I’ll decide what time it is.
In my teens: I won’t wear a jacket because they’re not cool.
In my 30’s: I will bring this blanket into the restaurant and be the coziest.
[Googling]
How many calories in a glass of white wine?
*45 minutes later*
[Googling]
How many calories in a bottle of white wine?
Pronouncing “driest” like priest
My mom used to feed me soap as a reward for saying bad words.
it’s called dunkin donuts because hole foods was taken
writers really said: what if homework… was a career.
I’ve just ordered some of those packaging air pockets from Amazon and can’t wait to see what they’re delivered in.
McDonald’s manager:
You can’t withhold orders at the drive-thru until customers say “I love you”Me, hurt: I knew that guy in the red car didn’t mean it
My 3yo was sitting on my lap reading a book
I lowered my head to kiss the top of his head
At the same time he whipped his head up and whacked my nose, fracturing itI have a swollen bruised nose just bc I wanted to love him
This is motherhood
A dead goose is called a ghoost
You ever think about how our ancestors were hunters and gatherers and now you can go to a supermarket and buy a robot that cleans your floor
Find a penny
Pick it up
All day long
You’ll have lower back pain
So apparently going to the medicine store’s manager with a pack of condoms asking them where the changing rooms are will get you banned from the medicine store.
[Me in hospital bed]
My wife: How is he?
Dr: He was dead for 15m
Wife remembering “Til death do us part” in our wedding vows:*pumps fist
As a child, I thought that more recipes would call for Eyes Of Newt…
Firing squad leader: Any last words?
Me: I’d like to thank my arms for always being by my side haha
Firing squad leader: ok we’re gonna somehow try to kill you twice