Couldn’t find my keys so I retraced my steps back to when I was a piece of phosphorescent algae floating in the primordial sea, and yep there they were
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ME: I’ve expressed this political opinion so clearly, there’s no way anyone could misinterpret it.
THE INTERNET: lmao challenge accepted
I’m just a mom, standing in front of my husband, trying to say something that I can no longer remember cause my kid interrupted us 75 times.
A Facebook group named “Humans Against Herd Behavior” was created yesterday. So far, 10,000 people have joined the group.
If you can’t stand me at my worst then WAIT COME BACK HERE WHERE ARE YOU GOING
everyone’s following their dreams while I’m over here happily following a food truck
🎵If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my gourds🎵
~ The Pumpkin Spice Girls
“Where do you get your ideas?” he said.
“Same place you do,” she said.
“No, seriously-”
“And I go early so I can take all the best ones.”
Teacher: Your daughter is doing so well at school we’d like to move her forward a year.
Me: *whispering* oh my god they invented time travel.
In 2058 the selfies became self aware and choose their own filters.
People who say the book is always better than the movie: have you ever actually read “Debbie Does Dallas?”
ME: my clothes are getting smaller
WIFE: you’re probably just putting on a little weight
ME: *pulling lint from dryer* then explain this
sometimes all it takes is a little subtle messaging to improve your pet’s behavior
I feel so bad for my cat, he’s sitting by the door crying out for this cat and her baby (that are on the opposite side) The same cat I caught him with the night he snuck out, but sweetheart you have been neutered for a year+ she is lying, that is not your baby
Real estate agent: You can’t get cell phone calls out here.
Me: We’ll take it.
interviewer: why do you want to drive a bus
me: the big windshield wipers
Me: How’d you injure your back?
Friend: I dropped something, bent down to pick it up, and my back said, “You sure ’bout that?”
ham: accepted, non-offensive
hamn: curse, extremely forbidden
I’m sorry for the plans I made when I was feeling sociable.
-me canceling my Dr appt
Twitter makes possible so many amazing things we couldn’t do before. Like trolling the Nazis:
[dog park meeting]
dog: we have confirmed reports that they’re hiding pills from us…
[low growls]
dog: IN THE CHEESE
[outraged barking]
the embarrassment of competing in a rap battle and finding out your opponent is your doctor who does not care about hipaa violations
Where the hell are all the scissors?!
– a parenting memoir
Practice self-care like werewolves: carry deeply emotional secrets everywhere you go & once a month eat the hearts of all who have wronged you.
Art teacher: I think you’ve misunderstood. It’s the models who will be nude.
Me: Well this is awkward.
🎶 Hummus a tune you’re the falafel man 🎶
The turkey is the luckiest one at the Thanksgiving table because it’s already dead.
They are adding commercials to Netflix so GenZ will finally understand and appreciate our struggle
I’ve started my new diet by putting a salad in front of the beer.
Thus I have to move it to get a beer.
Because exercise is important too.
Ever miss somebody so much that you wonder why you became a sniper in the first place?
*spider-man pacing the ceiling while Mary Jane is in the bathroom taking a pregnancy test*