Comedian does amazing perfect crowd work
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the michael jackson of crabs impressing all his friends by walking smoothly forwards
Friend: Dow dropped 45 points yesterday.
Me: I don’t follow basketball.
Neighbors act like they’ve never seen someone wearing a bath towel, chasing after a Garbage Truck before.
I love you so much, I’ll just sit at home and stare at my phone to make you notice.
I was so touched last week when a shopkeeper handed my 3yo a donut without checking with me, that today I gave his teen a bag of heroin.
Like an octopus negotiating a roomful of toddlers, I negotiate a roomful of toddlers.
I gave a man a fish. I taught a man to fish.
Fish aren’t all that happy with me right now.
Q. Why did the ghost’s dessert come back when he threw it?
A. It was a boo meringue
Not reading the replies to this
I’ve never bitten off more than I can chew, but once I put too much mouthwash in my mouth and couldn’t swish it around.
who called it a toilet and not an IP address
DOCTOR: what were you thinking? He had a sword.
ME: *bleeding everywhere, clutching my favorite pen* that’s not how it’s supposed to work
I play guitar but I only know a couple songs
Them: what kind of guitar?
Me: air guitar
Just saw a squirrel wipe down a peanut he took from my hand.
*Sees a bum eating out of the trash*
That’s so disgusting. I don’t know how they do that.
*pulls turkey leg out of my hair & takes a bite*
I’m lost at Costco but everyone here looks like my dad. Just gonna pick the one with the best groceries and start a new life I guess.
Me at work: I miss my little angels-my favorite little ppl on this planet
Me after an hour of being home: these kids are the spawn of satan
[pulled over]
COP: Did you know you were speeding?
ME: I didn’t even know I was driving
COP: Out
gordon ramsay: ok chefs you must prepare an appetizer, soup, a main course, and a dessert you have 30 minutes time starts now
me: *struggling to open a bagged salad*
My January credit card bill, aka the Ghost of Christmas Past.
Marriage is for people who want their break ups to involve paperwork.
I’m always surprised when heavily tattooed couples have a baby and it comes out blank
Them: Your children will go from toddler to college grad in the blink of an eye.
Me: *stops blinking entirely to avoid paying for their college*
[crashing my bike]
spin class instructor: how did you do that
I tried to take peanut butter through airport security.
TSA: Sorry, no liquids, gels, or aerosols.
Me: I want you to tell me which of those things you think peanut butter is.
Got thrown out of a funeral today for saying Bazinga during the eulogy. That’s OK; I can only pretend to be dead for so long.
No wonder King Charles’s visit to France was cancelled amidst violent protests about retirement age legislation. A working 74-year-old royal just sends out the wrong message.
I’m not afraid of dying. I’m afraid of ending up in a nursing home with a roommate who has Justin Bieber posters and Twilight shirts.
Since retiring, my favorite time to get ready to leave the house is eventually.
Making toast in the bathtub just hits differently
whenever the police put a mannequin in a squad car to slow traffic, I strategically place mannequins around town committing crimes