#RubbishJokes
My girlfriend told my that she wanted peace and quiet whilst cooking.So I took the batteries out of the smoke alarm.
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ME, my last day as a stenographer: Hey sorry everybody, but real quick, are you all saying “murberer”?
If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you have extremely good judgement.
ME: I wonder if it wrestles cutely too?
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the panda enclosure.
ME: lol. No. *gets mauled to death by panda*
It’s been one year since I got fired for having my friends give me 5 star reviews
Why are so many pills round? Try making some square so they don’t all roll away onto the floor and under the cabinets.
From a distance, I look like a regular dude. Up close I look like Picasso painted Nicolas Cage.
ATTENTION:
Die Hard is not a Christmas movie. It’s the BEST Christmas movie.
Case closed.
[rubs lamp]
[genie appears]
genie: you have three—
me: incredible! i can’t believe my luck!
genie: seconds
me: what
genie: two
me: until what
genie (pulling out a gun): one
No One:
My Family: Please check the menu of this restaurant we’re going to eat at in six months and let us know what you want.
I consider anything that doesn’t fit in the dishwasher to be for one time use.
I saw a girl wearing a shirt that just said CANCER on the front and it took me five minutes to stop feeling sorry for her and realize that was her astrology sign.
Someone at work said they saw me over the weekend and they said hi and I looked but just kept on walking and I was like yeah.
I would have a shitload of money if I liked Ramen Noodles and hated vodka.
Me to my 10 yo: Why is your Roblox character so little? You look like a baby.
Her: Other people in the game think I’m cute so they pick me up and take me to their house then I rob them and run away.
Me:
Kim Kardashian’s birthday is today AND she got engaged to Kanye West! It’s almost like it was made for TV! Wait….
“Mom! I made you a character in my video game!”
Me: “Cool! What am I doing?”
“You’re angry. I made it just like real life.”
If she licks all the frosting off her face with a single 360 degree sweep of the tongue, she might be Scooby Doo.
My kid, sick at school: *lethargic, deathlike pallor, has to be carried*
My kid, sick at home: *eats five meals before lunch time, jumping up and down on bed, wants to go on a hike*
Me: can I ask a rhetorical question?
Her: sure
Me: well apparently not
How’s adulting going for me today u ask?
Well,I just spend 20 minutes looking for my phone in my car
While using my phone as a flashlight.
Dodgeball but with random people that don’t know they’re playing.
not me looking down to google “why is my dog staring at me” only to look back up and see my dog barfing on the carpet 😑😑😑😑😑
[2 men standing in an empty basement together]
Man 1: “Alright, maybe we should tell a few people about Fight Club.”
Sci-Fi Author: In my book I invented the Torment Nexus as a cautionary tale
Tech Company: At long last, we have created the Torment Nexus from classic sci-fi novel Don’t Create The Torment Nexus
My funeral instructions to my family were to have me cremated, and I told my best friends under no circumstances should I be cremated.
Some BUNNY once told me the world was gonna roll me.
— an Easter egg
I play hard to get by barricading the door and holding hostages.
*robs neighbor’s chicken coop*
*serves poached eggs*
She: 5 mins babe
He: Ok*discovers a new planet*
*travels to it*
*discovers life*
*returns back*He: Ready?
She: 5 mins babe
How do I know you’re not a cop?
“If I was a cop, how would I have this?”
*shows police badge that just says ‘Not a Cop’ on it*
Oh, okay good