Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was getting out of a bean bag chair.
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you can’t convince me that “starfish” doesn’t mean “kinda starf”
We got a tornado warning, and I’m too scared to open my windows. Don’t want any sharks in my house.
I had a really fun date last night but when I went back to his place he had like an unsettling number of beanbag chairs? Approximately 7? Just isn’t sitting right.
One thing no one ever talks about being an adult is how much time you debate yourself on keeping a cardboard box because it’s, like, a really good box.
You call that an apology? I’ll show you an apology!
Canadian Oneupmanship
Do I believe in angels?
I don’t know.Do I believe in cheese?
I can see cheese.
Cheese has helped me out in difficult times.
Yeah.
“You know, the average woman does it at least 8 times a year in her sleep.” -Peter Parker attempting to convince Mary Jane to swallow
Not to date myself, but nobody else will.
“This is all water! Now that was misleading”
-Pedophile who found the fountain of youth.
A shoutout to the jackass that stole my ATM card. I hope you enjoy your $3.62.
Have some fun at work: End every comment with a long slow wink
“My report is super late”
*long slow wink*“I swear I didn’t drink at lunch”
*long slow wink*“Oh, I’m fired?”
*long slow wink*
I’m on the fence about whether to continue spying on my next door neighbours.
[robbing Whole Foods]
“All the cash in a bag NOW!”
100% organic reusable bag ok?
“Yes!”
[puts half the cash] I had to charge for the bag
I wish job sites ranked jobs by the level of human interaction you will have to deal with on a daily basis.
Autocorrect completely socks
my one true gender
No, you tell me what YOU were doing during that gap in my resume.
If being bad at grammar is a crime than arrest me.
Instead of ghosting someone, tell them why & what they did wrong. We need less idiots out there
Me: I’m so happy that gyms have reopened. I’ll do whatever it takes to get in back in shape
Trainer: That’s great! Let’s start with…
Me: Snacks?
wife: that’s a turtle with our daughter’s face on it
me: I searched the whole casino
My son made us all hide then jump out and yell ‘surprise!’ for his birthday. If you guys aren’t planning the same for my birthday on Tuesday, it’s gonna sting
The red haired guy in the bakery
doesn’t like being called…
‘The Ginger Bread Man’*lesson learned
If pedicures were called toe jobs, men would get them, too.
Kid: Have you seen the pine cone bird feeder I made?
Me: *picking seeds out from between my teeth* BIRD feeder?
Everyone who’s ever dated me knows one thing: fire is my weakness. Set my body on fire and it will cause great damage.
landlord is raising our rent 9.5% I think I’ll start burying all of my garbage in the backyard
Satan: welcome to hell. this is Gary. he’ll be your demon for today.
Demon Gary: hi!
Me: he doesn’t seem so bad.
Demon Gary: *tearing up* why would you say that?
Me: oh, no, I’m sorry, I didn’t–
Satan: jesus, no wonder you ended up here.
why does saying their name 3x work for Bloody Mary and not for Brad Pitt?
When Adam and Eve ate the apple I remember thinking, “Well, that’s a sin, but at least it’s original.”