It must be very traumatic for my wife to be at work knowing I’m home alone getting bread crumbs on the kitchen counter.
Let’s pray for her.
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I just released my own fragrance.
Now everyone in the car is pissed off.
If you see a dentist get shot and hes bleeding out, just casually mention how he needs to floss more so he doesnt bleed out like that
Everybody is a kid of some decade, but “90’s kids” are the only ones who are annoying about it.
I have a Boo and a Bae. I guess you can say I have Boobaes.
*pops kid’s balloon*
*kid cries and runs away*
*picks up kid’s cake*
Husband: wtf is wrong with you?
Me: his piece was bigger!!
Warring nations should hurl their politicians at each other.
One of my firmly-held beliefs is that every one of us has driven off with something on our roof that wasn’t supposed to be there, and another is that we’ve all seen a car in traffic with coffee, a briefcase, or a purse on the roof and wondered what kind of idiot does that.
How was I supposed to know unleashing 342 cats in a club would turn to bone-chilling horror the instant the disco balls started up?
I took my dog to see “Fifty Shades Of Grey” and he loved it. Which surprised me because he hated the book…
I hate when people ask me HOW I am doing as if I KNOW THE ANSWER?!
Used to tell my kids that I had underwear older than them but now that the kids are 21 and 24, I’ve stopped. Also, to be fair, they’re not much more than waistbands now.
Me: It’s a beautiful night
Him: What?
Me: It’s a BEAUTIFUL night
Him: What?
Me: *opens trunk* I SAID, IT’S A BEAUTIFUL NIGHT!
“What do you think you’re doing?”
“I was just-“
“Where am I, Jessica?”
“In the basket.”
“And what does that mean?”
“It’s YOU time?”
“It’s ME time. What else?”
“No touching?”
“No touching.”
Boss: Can I have a word with you?
Me: umbrella
I bought satin sheets and satin pajamas. When I went to jump into bed I ended up in my neighbors garage.
This is your captain speaking. Grr..this is your captain growling. Mooo..this is your captain mooing. I can do anything. I’m the captain.
genie: [unloading my dishwasher] this is ridiculous
Having a crush on someone sucks. If I wanted to gamble with my emotions, I would simply go to a convenience store, fill a slushie with 5 random flavors & let the lord decide whether it was delicious or not.
After seeing my share of people’s ultrasound pictures I’m convinced that they just give everyone the same one.
Yeah yeah “Friends with Benefits” are cool but have you tried “Friends with Batteries”? Less drama!
[Tinder guy takes off his glasses for the date]
Lois Lane: wtf you look nothing like your profile pic
Me: this movie sucks
Boss: for the LAST time, this is a ZOOM. MEETING!
My husband is taking me to a scenic bridge today so i guess this is goodbye
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a librarian.
Me: *doesn’t talk again all night*
At dinner last night two women asked to take my husband’s picture. I said, “Why? Who do you think he is?” And they said, “Aren’t you Gabe from Top Chef?” and my husband said, “Bon Appetit!” and smiled for the picture.
This man can’t even make scrambled eggs.
First cup of coffee: “This feels nice.”
Second cup of coffee: “I’m gonna go straighten that palm tree.”
M: *hands you back your baby*
Aw, is he getting too heavy?
M: Heavy? No, he smells like old people and raisins.
My southern mother forbid me to ever tell the story of when she accidentally got in bed with my boyfriend thinking it was me until she touched his hairy back so I will obviously take that to my grave
Me, massively hungover, listening to my coworker telling me about their weekend: