lol so today this bookstore is having what could be its first health & safety inspection in about 258 years and reader I am crying with laughter
they sent a very helpful man who started off super cheery but 1 hour later is acting like he’s trapped in a SAW movie
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A reality show, where you spy on your suspected cheating significant other, called Baewatch.
Overheard:
“Why is this guy listening to our conversation?”
Someone in this world has consumed more mayonnaise than anyone else currently alive and they don’t even know it
ME: Ha ha bro why is your wife named Purse Phone?
HADES: That isnt… thats not how you say it
Friend: but when the baby arrives, how will I figure out how to raise her?
Me: when you’re a parent, you just no
ME: Mint choc chip ice cream, pls. I got my own cone [places it on counter]
EMPLOYEE: This is a traffic cone?
ME: You must be new here.
Sometimes I’ll sign a wedding guestbook with something inspirational:
“1 out of 5 stars: would not recommend”
I don’t always trust old people’s stories of the past. Recently an older gentlemen told me that he grew up as one of seven children. And it’s like…come on dude. Even back then there were more kids than that.
I’m a social vegan, I don’t like meet.
Probably the best newspaper correction ever
#BritishSausageWeek
my gf left me bc i’m paranoid
nvm she’s back, she went pee
Do assassins for hire offer holiday discounts? Comparison shopping seems a bit risky.
Not to brag but I’ve never met a chicken wing I didn’t like.
“PARTY FOWL” someone yelled as the drunk duck did another keg stand
*rings bell*
“Can I help you?”
Yes I’d like a dragon on my back an-
*starts pooping on a crucifix*
WTF? *checks sign on door*
“Taboo Artist”
We had a pleasant conversation about how we hate talking to people and then he said that this is a good reason for us to…
Me: … fall in love?
Him: … stop talking to each other.
Hangover status: playing duct, duct, tape with the kids.
HER: *spitting out food* This is GROSS! What did you put in this?
ME: Old Spice. Just like you said to.
HER: I said ALL spice, you idiot!
Her: I need a funnel
Me: well that narrows it down
My wife and I always eat dinner as fast as possible so we can have a popsicle.
We are 47 years old.
How to Be Good At Twitter
1. don’t be
2. don’t have that be your goal
3. aim higher
4. seriously, go outside or something
How I handle confrontation:
Them: Aimee!?
Me: *falls to the ground*
*does the worm*
Why I divorced her.
[swimming pool]
me: do you have family changing facilities?
clerk: yes we do
me: ok what can I get for 2 sons and a wife
A gingerbread man sits inside a gingerbread house. Is the house made of flesh? Or is he made of house? He screams, for he does not know.
courtroom exchange of the day
An unboxing video but it’s the toys my kid buried under her bed and forgot she had…
Teacher: how should we punish the students?
Principal: make them stay home
Teacher: that doesn’t seem like a punishment..
Principal (just 3 kids in a trench coat trying not to laugh): omg they’ll hate it
Banker: So you need this small business loan to open a Cat Massage Parlor?
Me: Yes!
Banker: I’m confused. Will the cats be GETTING massages or GIVING massages?
Me: Yes!
JESUS: [walks on water]
JUDAS: Actually, the body is 60% water so it’s only 40% miracle
JESUS: You’re killing me, Judas
JUDAS: Actually..