Watched a guy buy several single bananas at various stages of ripeness (instead of a bunch). Realized I was in the presence of genius.
You Might Also Like
My husband just got to level three on netflix: “faking an illness” to finish binge watching
I’m on level 6: “faking your own abduction”
8:00 AM: Too tired to think
Noon: Too tired to think
5:00 PM: Too tired to think
Midnight: How do dragons blow out candles??
If I would brush my teeth as vigorously as the people in the toothpaste commercials do, my sink would look like a murder scene.
[wheel of fortune]
me: id like to buy a vowel
pat: arent u a millenial
me: [sigh] id like to rent a vowel
if your name is Christy and you’re fighting a custody battle in Orlando. fire your lawyer bc I found your whole case file at the bar last night.
Probably the most humiliating thing that can happen when you die is that you come back as a fitted-sheet ghost.
Choose a job you love and you’ll never work a day in your life, because you’ll never get that job.
I draw dicks on my face every Sunday night so my co-workers think I have a social life.
DAUGHTER: Mom asked me to check on you and the eggnog making
ME [wrestling a screaming chicken into a blender full of milk]: GRAB ITS LEGS
Seems a lot like 2021 keeps asking, “What would 2020 do?”
Brain: She’s cute, talk to her…
Me: but what should I say?
Brain: ask her if she likes meat…
Me: What?
Brain: c’mon man, do it…
I ate a piece of chocolate and thought I found a crumb of it on my laptop keyboard and ate it but it was a bug so that wasn’t ideal.
If you’re curious what the priciest item in a store is just bring a kid along because they’ll definitely find then break it
Running down the street dragging an entire bank behind me because I stole one of those pens attached to the little silver chain
Say what you want about Korn, but they really cornered the incorrectly spelled vegetable band name market.
I’ll usually order the chicken sandwich. I like my food to be more cowardly than I am.
As we lie in bed at 4am I know you’re looking at me thinking you’ve struck gold. Your hand reaches towards me and I slap it away from the cheese that just fell onto my chest.
“No” I shout through a mouthful of cold pizza “mine”
4 year olds really apologize like “I’m sorry I accidentally did that on purpose.”
Idk y men go to bars to meet women? Go to Target. The female to male ratio is 10 to 1 and they’re already looking for things they don’t need
your come hither look says “yes”, but the way you’re opening & closing that switchblade says “no”
hot tip: to avoid writing bugs, don’t write software
Me: How do we get to the bottom of the canyon?
Guide: *gesturing to donkey* Burro
Me: *starts digging* Come and help you stupid donkey
My wife’s stance against me deep-fry a turkey may be influenced by a recent incident when she was on a trip to TN and the backyard camera alert kept going off on her phone because the pork belly on the grill burst into flame and the waves of dark smoke kept triggering the camera
Saw a girl wearing a hoodie, shorts and UGGs. My stepdaughter said, “Seasonally challenged sluts are the worst.” I am beyond proud.
As someone with extensive IT experience, I can almost guarantee the AT&T outage yesterday was over some certificate expiring somewhere and nobody knowing how to regenerate it because Carl got laid off seven years ago and the only machine with the keys decommissioned in 2019.
A gender-neutral equivalent of ‘sugar daddy’ is GLUCOSE GUARDIAN.
I clean my house before going away like burglars give yelp reviews.
Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company.
I take comfort in the fact that my neighbour will probably die before me. I’ll be at his funeral, leafblowing through the entire ceremony.