I love how all the movies about teenagers have to be set in the 90s or earlier otherwise we’d just be watching kids on their phones for two hours
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If you put a hot dog in a blender and serve it with whipped cream people don’t ask to come over anymore
Phone rang. Caller ID said FUTURE US. I determined that it was me calling from the future to give myself important information. I answered and it was indeed me, but I was only trying to sell myself aluminum siding.
The real you is what happens when you walk into a surprise spider web.
Fellas, don’t feel like you can’t offer your wife cooking tips, even after she spends all day making a delicious home cooked meal. And it doesn’t hurt to throw in “That’s not how my mom used to do it”.
You really dropped the ball today Ted. You’re fired.
“Please, no. I can try harder.”
You operate a wrecking crane, man. People died.
A few strategically placed “and shit’s” can really spice up your online dating profile (ie: “I’m attentive and shit…passionate and shit.”)
My tacos arrived with a fork on the plate. I can only guess it’s there to stab potential taco thieves.
Adult me must concede that a major contributor to global warming was kid me leaving the front door open and heating the whole goddam world.
KIDNAPPER: Get in the trunk
ME: You’re abducting me 4 days before Christmas?
K: Heh yep
ME: Omg thank you
K: What
ME: I’m all yours
K: Wait
Them: “Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned”
Me: Hell hath no fury like a woman hungry and a man that won’t decide where to eat
[at the movies]
me: thank god it’s over
her: I was going to say the same thing haha that’s a relief. I get the dog
I’m so grateful when people tell me to drive safe cause then I remember not to drive off that cliff.
Trying to explain to H that when the doctor said he can have one red wine a day, he didn’t mean bottle.
“Sorry I didn’t have a chance to clean up the place,” I say as I wave dismissively at the chalk outline drawn on the living room floor.
Son: Dad, can you teach me how to use a condom?
Me: Yeah so you just put the drugs in, swallow it, and then poop it out when the plane lands.
*6, wailing, carrying on*
Me: You can be a dramatic little bi…llion stars, strung together, shining brightly.
9, to his sister: That’s not at all what Mom wanted to say.
[first date]
Me: I collect taxidermy
Him: Really, taxidermy?
Me: It’s a family thing[later, at my place]
Me: Feel free to hang your coat on my stepmom
Wife: Are you even listening to me?
Me: Of course
W: Oh yeah, what did I say?
M: [smoke bomb]
W: I can still see you
M: [Another smoke bomb]
doctor: what seems to be the problem?
t-rex: I cant feel my legs
I can eat Rice Krispy Treats for breakfast, because I’m an adult!
But hiding in the bathroom, because I’m a mom.
If I were a Greek philosopher, my name would be Mediocrites.
Us watching you attempt to outrun something you tried to pspspspspspsps after we specifically said not to
Essential oils are what drips out of tacos.
I hired a pizza chef as my new golf coach. One way or another the dude is gonna fix my slice.
I take issue with furniture that deliberately moves 1 inch when you’re in a rush to get by.
“Just circling back on this.”
“Take another lap.”
Peeing in the dark like some kind of pilgrim because you’re at someone else’s house and can’t find the light switch
Boy am I stuffed! I finally finished eating the bag of salt I got for Christmas