YouTube suggestion: [Inspirational video] I wake up at 3 am
Me [at midnight]: no thank you! I don’t want that kind of negativity
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My boss: So… [dramatic pause]
Me, uncomfortable with silence: …a needle pulling thread?
Some guy just smiled at me at the store and I didn’t know what to do; so I gave this half smirk, half confused look and I’m pretty sure he thinks I have gas
On behalf of everyone who works in an office, a coal mine, a fast food restaurant, really anywhere, I have decided to make it my mission to find out who coined the phrase “do what you love and you’ll never work a day in your life” and trebuchet them directly into the sun
When taking your dog to the vet it’s very important to remember to put your dog in the car.
I personally think YOLO is going to make a strong vernacular comeback and I’m going to personally spend this entire transatlantic flight bringing it back … and that’s when the plane made an emergency landing.
Aquarius: Someone will hack into your dating profile, but won’t touch a thing because they think you’ve already been hacked. You haven’t.
If my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, I’m handing them rakes.
Apparently “The WiFi signal is the strongest there” isn’t the right answer when the boss asks “Why are you spending so much time in toilet?”
MECHANIC: listen, I’m not sure if I can fix this
FRED FLINTSTONE: *cradling his broken legs*
It would take a pretty stupid robot to replace me.
her: wanna go upstairs
me: ok
her: do u have protection
me: [nervously] why what’s up there
Longest English word:
‘pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosi’Longest Spanish word: ‘GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAAALLLLLLL’
It’s like my dad always used to say, “Don’t go around acting like the Village idiot.”
without fail i always get felt up by the tsa which is fine because air travel is expensive and i want my money’s worth
Me: I let my guard down.
Prison guard: I’m not angry, just disappointed.
Someone call or text my husband and tell him that dinner at Applebee’s is not a “night out on the town.”
It was a classic Cinderella story: I walked into strangers’ houses and made women try on a shoe I found
Me: dance like no one’s watching!
Them: but not naked in the freezer aisle with a frozen turkey to ‘do they know it’s Christmas’!
Got kicked outta Starbucks for trying to order a venti mocha choca latta ya-ya creole lady marmalaaaaaaaaade.
I was able to secretly eat an entire candy bar with my toddler in the same room so the CIA should be hiring me any minute now.
I don’t want to hear about any moonlit romantic walks on the beach…unless there’s a clown with a wooden club chasing you.
Sometimes 6 is smart like her mom and other times she gets her head stuck in the footboard of her bed when she’s supposed to be sleeping.
The only way Congress will ever pass common sense gun control is if they’re threatened at gunpoint
I will give Canada this. Their geese are hard to keep in a headlock.
I was getting out of my car, twisted weird, lost my balance, bounced off the car next to me and then back to my car. I hope everyone in the parking lot was taking detailed notes on how to exit your car like a Weeble Wobble.
Every generation gets the Batman it deserves, not the Batman that it wants, and then two additional Batmans.
inventor of grenades: *holding avocado* i wish this was louder
*knuckle tats*
( S | H | H | H) ( H | H | H | H )
(I’m a librarian)
My hot flashes are so bad, I can defrost the freezer in the time it takes to choose a popsicle.
My next-door-neighbor is such a bitch that regardless of what she says to me; I simply reply, “You’re barking up the wrong tree.”