It’s difficult to do a sassy walk away when you’ve tied your shoelaces together
I know this now
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I bet the first person to see leaves grow back on trees after winter was like “well that’s a releaf”
GUY WITH TONS OF BLACKLIGHTS AROUND HIS APARTMENT: Hey come on in!
GUY WHO LIKES TO RUB CAT URINE ALL OVER HIMSELF: Ummm. Nah I’m good.
Men: “once you get married you never get any sex”.
[wife walks around the house completely naked]
Every man: *continues to be completely hypnotized by whatever sports game is on*
Someone in this marriage has to be able to smell natural gas leaks and since *someone* had a lab accident I guess it’s going to be me.
Mhm.
McDonald’s has spoiled all of us with their super-charged carbonated soda. I don’t want just any Sprite. I want the Sprite that will make me see God.
[at a dive bar]
Friend: Look, I know you’re disappointed, but we should at least have one drink.
Me: *wearing flippers, a wetsuit and a snorkle* I’d like to leave, please.
Cop: Are you drunk?
Me: um if I was drunk, could I do this?
*stands on one foot*
Cop: ok first of all, ow
“You’re attachment is too large,” my computer tells me.
I blush. “My eyes are up here,” I respond coyly.
Pro tip: Wearing an 18th century corset really weeds out the quitters
Me: I love you!
Girlfriend: Is that you, or the vodka talking?
Me: It’s me…talking to the vodka.
Iron: you’re always trying to turn me into something I’m not!
Blacksmith:
“Aboot a half kilometer up the road.”
“Thank you.”
“Just past the Tim’s on your left.”
“Much appreciated.”
“My pleasure, eh.”
Bought my daughter a cheap ‘Miss Piggy’ purse but sadly it was very pork wallety.
me: [lays trail of petals directly to the bed] she’ll love this
midwife: she won’t
Active voice: I loved your book
Passive voice: Your book was loved
Passive-aggressive voice: I love how you felt the need to write a book
He just always looks at me like I’ve wronged him
She thinks I drink all day when she’s at work. I don’t… I stop just before she gets home
You can teach a man to lead a fish to water but you can’t make him drink a horse
I’ll go to extreme lengths to get the last bit of toothpaste from the tube but I’ll also watch 2 hrs of Nick Jr if I can’t reach the remote.
You can either have a nice evening or you can help your child with their math homework.
You can’t have both.
Hub said to go ahead and buy my own Valentine’s Day present.
Looks like he’s going to be very generous this year.
NOBODY MOVE I LOST AN HOUR
Farmer: if you want to fix that soil you have to fertilize it properly
Landscaper: sounds like bullshit
Farmer: yes exactly
My roomba on charge after cleaning up after 2 kids and 2 dogs.
[Jesus breaks bread]
This is my body[Jesus pours wine]
This is my blood[Jesus brings out Alex Trebek]
and THIS. IS. JEOPARDY.
I love strippers. They’re awesome. Plus I can’t get my girlfriend to do shit for a dollar.
AMULET: Touch me, and be cursed for eternity!!
ME: [picks it up] I feel fine.
AMULET: uh, I’m trying but- I can’t make ur life any worse.
Meteorologist: Dress for the 70s today.
Me: Okay.