Is Lent nearly over? I don’t know how much longer I can hold my breath.
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Me: How’d you injure your back?
Friend: I dropped something, bent down to pick it up, and my back said, “You sure ’bout that?”
Being trapped at Burning Man seems almost as bad as being trapped in a conversation with someone who went to Burning Man
MEN: if your date is cold, don’t just stand there; be a gentleman and allow her to cut you open so she can crawl inside and keep warm
Me: Sorry I’m late, I was trying to jump my wife’s car for like half an hour.
Boss: Need a new battery?
Me: No, I just think I need better shoes.
I accidentally had two energy drinks today and now my house is decorated for Christmas.
Driving to work, and I just reached down to touch my leg to make sure I have pants on.
[evil villain turns around in chair to confront adversary but spins too fast and does two complete revolutions before talking]
Don’t sweat the small stuff. Don’t sweat the medium or large stuff either. Stop perspiring on everything. Take your sweaty ass elsewhere.
Watch The Walking Dead with someone who’s super into it so every time a zombie appears you can pull the old, “Wait, who’s this now?”
Me: *rehearsing alibi speech in front of mirror
Cops: {laughing from other side of two way mirror} Is this the dumbest criminal ever?
*walks into Forever 21*
*gets pulled aside*
Umm, we don’t really mean FOREVER.
What’s the downside of being rude to your executioner?
There are only 2 things Donald Trump fears: 1) The world discovers he’s been lying about being a billionaire, and 2) a strong wind.
But wait…..does your wife know that you’re divorced?
Doctor: “Do you think your alcohol consumption may be getting out of control?”
Me: *swirls drink* “No”.
Motherhood is like being a fireman putting out fires but everyone is shouting out how you’re doing it wrong and criticizing your sweatpants.
HER: so what do you do?
ME: i’m a mathemagician
HER: you mean a mathematician?
ME: [divides by zero] no
Sometimes I stand in the shower for 10 minutes before I remember what I’m supposed to be doing. So, yes your secrets are safe with me.
Pest control guy, pulling a piece of drywall out to reveal an infant sitting inside the wall: Yep you got babies
babe can i sit under your desk and distract you with my mouth while you work? *starts chewing electrical cords*
Priest: do you take this woman
Me: I do
[Liam Neeson glares from the pews]
Me: -not
My One A Day multivitamins actually have directions on the bottle – “Take one multivitamin daily.” Hmmm
Unfortunately, Yoda’s proposal came across as more of a statement, possibly even a threat. And so, he lived out his life alone, forever pining for “which got away, the one.”
The whole “bad boy” thing is fun until you have kids with him. Ooh you drank away the diaper money? That’s soooo hot
“Not my circus, not my monkeys” is done. Let’s switch it to “not my pigs, not my blanket.”
Erm I’m gonna say no
Screw that. I love this bench and I don’t care who knows it!
Every time I watch, “The Shining” I am overwhelmed by how sweet a gig he has.
Do you wish you were always broke?
Are you tired of having a thriving social life?
Is too much sleep boring you?Parenthood. It’s for you
Whenever I think my kids are difficult I try to put it in perspective and think at least they didn’t drink nail polish like my sister did when she was a baby.