Who called it life jacket not aquaguard
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flash mobs for serving divorce papers
Job interviews be like what’s your biggest weakness, ummm I don’t have a job bro
I don’t remember your name, chick I worked with one time, but I will never stop telling people about how you asked me:
What even are olives, like a fish or something?
Everyone seems so happy for you until they realize your baby carrier is just filled with mozzarella sticks.
Don’t flatter yourself, any type of milkshake brings me to the yard.
When my laptop asks “Are you sure?”, it’s because it still remembers all of the other bad decisions I have made.
make parties more interesting by telling strangers “I want you to know that I personally have no problem with you being here”
I walked into a bakery and asked the lady at the register if I could buy a bagel with cream cheese.
“Sorry,” she said. “We only accept cash.”
Umbrage is like regular brage, but um…
Don’t go around saying you hate all people. Attractive people who have a lot of money are really lovable.
Cop: Can I see some ID?
Me: No. But you can see this…
[Does that trick where you pretend to detach your thumb]Rookie cop: I didn’t sign up to fight no wizard sarge
I hate airplanes and flying. It’s like someone throwing a can full of people over the ocean and hoping someone in Europe will catch it.
“But she’s hot and not really that crazy”
~men about to have their bunny boiled
[ from bed ]
*accio coffee*
damnit it didn’t work again
May I pay you handsomely, good sir?
-Why yes you may.
*opens wallet*
*pulls out Ryan Gosling*
* see weird traffic pattern
* turns down radio
* smoothly avoids gargantuan pothole
* runs over sign saying avoid gargantuan pothole
I really don’t like the person I become when a password expires
Scooby Doo was awesome because he would just shout his own name when things got exciting.
1991: Mom gently rocks you to sleep
2024: Mom doesn’t rock you to sleep anymoreAnyone else notice this?
God..how many exercise videos do you have to buy before you get some results
Amazon should have “I was drunk” as an order cancellation option
Deer: *frozen in headlights*
Deer’s mom: I TOLD you to bring a sweater
animals really be single moms of 6-8 just holding it down daily like girl what
Dad loved to say “there’s no price tag, must be free,” or, “there’s no expiration date, must be good,” now we hardly talk except when he calls from jail with food poisoning.
I always sleep naked. I don’t care if it makes people uncomfortable, they can just switch buses.
I never over sleep in the mornings
I set an alarm, a back up alarm, and a 4yo once those fail
Him: I love birds.
Me: [trying to impress]
*smacks face into nearest window*
Me: oh shit, our new doormat says ‘Welcome,’ do you think any vampire can just come in now?
BF: just turn it around.
If you drink 6 RedBulls in less than an hour, they’re not allowed to arrest you for stealing a bus. Read the can if you don’t believe me.
Just made an annoying kid shut right up by making a throat slash gesture.
So I guess you could say I’m like a child whisperer.