[walking around still disappointed 6 hours after visiting an aquarium]
wife: what did you think a tiger shark was, brent
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Please enjoy this video of a baby eating queso for the first time
Currently blackmailing the IT guy to extend the wifi coverage for my new hiding place at work.
Chinese Food: $16.72
Gas to Get to Restaurant: $1.94
Getting Home and Realizing They Forgot One of Your Food Containers: Riceless
[ant colony]
husband: I am beat
wife: you’re the one who wanted to be in construction. I should’ve married a doctor
husband: yeah but *flexing* can a doctor lift 5,000 times his body weight?
wife: WE ALL CAN, GARY
When you tell me to “Go outside and play” you mean go outside & then back inside, then outside, then inside a million times, right?
– kids
kids today are like “so what did y’all do before the internet? did you just not know anything?” and the answer is yes. you would ask your aunt Marge a question, she’d give you the wrong answer and you’d carry that misinformation for twenty years.
Didn’t think my children listened at all but my 3yo shouted from the back seat, “these people don’t know how to drive!” so now I know he listens to his Dad.
In RL I’m a car salesman. Which means its my job to know how many bodies fit in the trunk of a car officer. This is all work related.
love the HBO account having a prewritten response to “god damn no one can see shit on your show it’s too dark” comments
my mothers motherly urge to make sure you are eating no matter how full you are
and then suggest you lose weight
911: what’s your emergency sir
me: I can’t find my butler
911: perhaps he is pretending to be a 911 dispatcher like you asked sir
me: will you pretend to be my butler until he gets back
*Blows dandelion in the wind*
*stares at stem*[whispers] “Now you’re just somebody that I used to blow”
me: my mom’s here to visit
him: oh. did you meet her at the bus station?
me: no i’ve pretty much known her my whole life
Schrödinger’s cookie
My only local Taco Bell has closed, please respect my privacy at this difficult time
“I just don’t understand why everyone is so worried about the quarantine weight gain. With proper diet, you can drop pounds in a few hours!”
*Gas station attendant nods*
“Anyway, I’ll take that sushi from last month, thanks”
her: I’m leaving you
me: because I like scooby doo?
her: you’re obsessed
me: *pulling her hair trying to take off her mask* you won’t get away with this
GOD: Sharp pincers
CRAB: Thats dope
GOD: Hard shell
CRAB: Hell ya
GOD: Delicious legs lmao
CRAB: Wtf
*gets down on one knee*
Wow, you really suck. Why can’t you be more like the other knee?
jigsaw: WHEN YOU MADE AN L FOR LOSER THAT WAS THE L I WAS TALKING ABOUT
me: i did an L so you could see it, which means that was my right hand. genius
jigsaw: YOU KNEW YOUR RIGHT HAND FROM YOUR LEFT ALL ALONG
me: i know my hands, not my feet
robber: alright this is a robbery
dad: no this is a bank
robber: damnit dad not now
doctor: now let’s step over to the xray machine
ray: the what
shakespeare: murder most foul…
goose: what the duck did you just say?!
Women do not want to hear what you think..
They want to hear what they think..
In a deeper voice……
I always score high marks on my drug test; so four years of college wasn’t a complete waste.
Anyone who tells you to get kids to help more around the house has never asked kids to help more around the house.
My 18yo daughter doesn’t think I’m funny, so I’m going to show her bf that tap dancing video she did in second grade to ‘ice ice baby’
Wearing a pretty new bra today that nobody else is gonna see, so everytime I go to the bathroom, I flash myself in the mirror.
Me)Print
Printer)No
Me)Print
Printer)No
Me)PRINT
Printer)No
Me)PRINT!!!
Printer)Here’s 8,000
I would watch a reality show that’s nothing but goth kids trying not to smile while riding on a jet ski.