Subway sandwich employee said he wears the gloves “cuz the meat stings.”
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A shrimp cannot fry rice, what do y’all not understand?
A Riddler origin movie would be like 10 min long bc he’d only have to tell one riddle before getting beaten up and becoming a villain
What kind of monster sits in a rocking chair and doesn’t rock
My husband broadcasts the Imperial March over Google home when my mother pulls into the driveway.
It’s scarier than any movie I’ve ever seen.
Some of my friends are discussing why Harrison Ford is still playing Indiana Jones but honestly, having an 80-year-old professor not retire is like the most accurate part of the franchise
someone told me “I couldn’t think of anyone I’d rather spend time with,” & my first thought was that they tried really hard to think of someone else but had to settle on me, so thanks low self esteem, u my only friend
Text:
Me: I want you to know I love you from the depths of my soul. You are my essence & the reason I live. With you, I am whole.
Her: K
My son’s impression of me is just him staring at his palm.
Bring back the McRib
I hate weddings, funerals and the symphony. I never know when to clap.
Maybe the reason you’re not having *sexual intercourse* is because you call it sexual intercourse.
For some reason I’m an extremely secretive
person. Don’t ask me why
Overheard at the coffee shop:
“Do the banana-nut muffins contain nuts?”
Natural Selection, I believe that’s your cue.
I think it’s cool that when you’re pregnant you not only make a baby but you also make a little table where you can put your cereal bowl.
How’s adulting going for me today u ask?
Well,I just spend 20 minutes looking for my phone in my car
While using my phone as a flashlight.
Don’t mess with grandma when her bodyguard is near.
Friend: OMG did u see the thing on the news about the sinister clowns?
Me: *flashback to me watching the debate* yeah I think I saw that
Rent in the city is getting ridiculous. I pay $775 to live in a barista’s beard. I have 3 roommates.
Sorry random child at the playground that my daughter just invited to her birthday party 4 months from now. It’s never going to happen.
I have never seen a construction crane being put in place. They just show up.
First person to build a clock had no idea how long it took.
in the 90s the internet used to scream at you when you tried to enter and they should never have taken that warning away
Psychic: Bruce Willis was dead the entire time! I did not see that coming at all.
Me: I’d like my money back.
To their credit, selfie sticks may be the only proof future archaeologists have to dispute the notion cameras grew directly out of our arms
Took our cat to the vet today and, once again, she “forgot” her wallet.
Surprise parties are great. Depress your friend by pretending to forget their birthday, then terrify them briefly
I mostly stopped responding to email three years ago and aside from various consequences it’s been fine
Vogue- strike a pose
Sleep- strike a doze
Leave- strike a goes
Firefight- strike a hose
Win The Bachelor- strike a final rose
Pitch in MLB- strike the pros
Blizzard- strike a froze
Assault- strike a nose
When my kids aren’t listening to me I just yell ignore me! And then I feel better that they’re finally listening.
*writing résumé*
Strengths? I’m great at multitasking
*explosion in kitchen*
My popcorn!
*car crashes through fence*
I forgot I was driving!