She’s dating the both of us bro. You’re my boyfriend-in-law.
~every 18 year old.
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My therapist: and what do we say when we’re sad
Me: add to cart
My therapist: no
If you’ve never said “I love you too” in a way that sounds a tad bit angry, then you must not have kids you are trying to put to bed.
Me: did you actually brush your teeth?
11: yes
Me:
11: I did!
Me:
11: just maybe not all of them
If you love someone, throw your earbuds at them. There’s a good chance they’ll be entangled in them and won’t be able to run.
I’m not going to pay a million dollars to go see a Macbeth movie when I can print off the Shakespeare script for free and go be all the characters in my car
Kids: the floor is lava!
Me: *slowly rolls off couch*
Me: I’m never getting married again no matter what anybody says.
Her: I made us cheeseburgers.
Me: uh oh.
Parenthood taught me that if you’re running late and tell your kid to hurry, your kid will be super slow, BUT if you wait patiently, your kid will also be super slow. It doesn’t matter.
Grocery shopping before Christmas is a nightmare… My gallon of milk expired while I was waiting in line….
My kids decided to move a piece of furniture to a random spot, I wonder how much it will cost to fix whatever they’re covering up
Not that anybody asked, but the Irresistible Force beats the Immovable Object — every time.
50 Shades of Letting People on the Train Know You’re Not Getting Laid
i feel like nothing is gonna happen to twitter idk i just always felt like this app would be here surviving at the end of the world like a cockroach
My liver’s so black, it went to a respected college, got a great job, and made it’s family very proud.
Weren’t expecting that, huh?
Racist.
okay, let’s get the lizard council meeting underw—wait, has anybody seen dan?
*room chuckles*
*chameleon in the back* oh go to hell keith
I’m like 4% cute and 98% bad at math.
[forgetting the name for leaf blowers] Do you have any wind bazookas?
detective: [examining dead body] do we know who he is
me: yeah we got his name from his coffee cup
detective: what was it
me: starbucks
Plot twist. He’s actually a beautiful woman pretending to be a gross boomer reply guy
son: I hate my name
me: but you’re named after your grandpappy
son: I still hate it
me: now look here Grandpappy Tanaka
My beach vacation Google searches
how about no fine and just a warning for the first offense
Just got another idiot, who now thinks he’s good at karate, to paint my fence and wax my cars. Lol.
*Mr. Miagi on Twitter
Me: oh look, there’s keith, don’t say anything, but he’s obsessed with doors. Oh, hi keith.
Keith: Shut it.
Bought some skinny jeans and tied them around my waist, they don’t work.
I’m pretty sure my little brother exists only because I got too old to be my mama’s remote control.
I need to stop saying “oppa gagnam style!” to fill in awkward pauses in conversation
Dear women,
3 reasons why you need to accept we men are mature.
No 1. We know what upsets you.
No 2.
Hahahahahaha… I said “number 2”
[Naming Days Meeting]
Guy 1: We need a name for the last one.
Guy Who Named Wednesday: Sudnaday?
Guy 1: Not one more goddamn word, Barry.