What separates the men from the boys is knowing that women love it when they show off their big throbbing manners and intelligence.
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FRIEND: it’s saturday! you know what that means…
ME: hell yeah baby *secretly googles what does saturday mean*
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, if you drive a Nissan but don’t call it Liam then what is even the point of you
I just got cut off by a bald man in a BMW, so I pulled up next to him, rolled down my window, and laughed at him.
I was worried my kids would never know the joy of a commercial break, and then we got Hulu
She says, the kids want to go to the circus.
I say, that I just saved us $400 by jumping out of the kid’s closet wearing a clown costume.
My biggest accomplishment this week was my AirPods surviving a trip through the washing machine. And I don’t know whether to try harder or buy a lottery ticket.
Every escape room should have a planted person that makes hotter/colder faces when somebody has an idea.
There’s a stomach bug going around the daycare. I took the elevator with a dad who’d had it just the day before. He gave this strain rave reviews. He threw up just once after dinner and then was completely fine.
I can’t wait for my family’s turn.
Washing machine doesn’t give a shit
*Robber runs into Chipotle*
GIMME THE MONEY IN THE REGISTER
“Is this for here or to go?”
Uh. To go
“Do you want guac?”
Sure
“It’s extra”
I love how insurance companies offer “accident forgiveness” like they’re some sort of ancient deity pardoning your existence.
Interviewer:
“This is a very impressive résumé.”Me:
“This is a creative writing job I’m applying for, no?”
You can tell a lot about my BF by the way he’s giving me the silent treatment. He’s doing it wrong. I’m doing it right but can’t tell him.
Bella always knew her human wasn’t particularly sophisticated but red wine with tilapia really was the final straw.
Is there any way to tell a woman she has nice skin without her thinking you want to turn her into a jacket, especially one who really would make a nice jacket?
It’s 2024 and we have Batman shampoo but STILL no Conditioner Gordon.
Me: Grandpa hasn’t been the same since the war
Him: Vietnam?
Me: Thumb
My daughter wants to be really scary this Halloween so instead of a costume she is going to carry a school fundraising packet to every door.
Angel: So you ended your beef with the humans?
God: Yup. It’s all water over the bridge now.
Angel: You mean “under the bridge” right?
God:
Angel:
God: Get Noah on the line.
Not only are all my tweets stolen, but so are all my thoughts. And everything I say. And my identity. And this baby.
Him: Take them off. All of them.
*slowly unbuttons 50 cardigans
People say “If you want loyalty, get a dog,” but my dog would abandon me in a dark alley for a pizza crust, so maybe loyalty has layers.
4-year-old: Can I have some water?
Me: Any more water & you could have an accident while sleeping.
4: Ok, then some juice should be fine.
KID: I drew you a picture!
ME: What’s this?
KID: Our house.
ME: What’s the orange stuff?
KID: Fire.
ME: Why’s the house on fire?
KID: I want a PS4.
I’m so old I thought “stfu” was a reminder to pack my “shoes, tie, fedora, underpants.”
As a little girl, I dreamt of being whisked away by a handsome prince.
It’s my husband’s dream now.
Ever woken up, kissed the person sleeping next to you and felt glad to be alive? I just did, so I won’t be catching this train again.
Hub: You ready to go?
Me: In a minute, I’m beating the kids.
[Cut to me just decimating the kids at Mario Kart]
If you’re a parent don’t forget to set your clocks forward and then jump out the window.
[ first date ]
her: i like a man who plans financially for the future
me: i swallowed $9.13 this morning that i won’t be able to spend until later