I cower in the darkness surrounded by demons that relentlessly tempt me… I submit to the temptation.
4: mom? are you hiding in the pantry eating cookies again?
You Might Also Like
if i’m losing an argument believe me i’ve recognized that long before you & i’m already picturing eating a can of campbell’s chicken noodle soup when you’re done
Stop acting like you’ve never seen someone with a pocket full of chicken nuggets before 🙄
Introverted vegans go meetless
My superpower is acting like I’m trying to stop the elevator from shutting when more people are trying to get on without really stopping it.
Fool me once, shame on you.
Fool me twice, shame on me.
Fool me 53 times a day, you’re an Instagram filter.
[God inventing snakes]
What about a scarf that could kill you?
you ever be washing a spoon and it wash u back?
Jack and Jill went up the hill to catch the first flight off of this planet.
ME: do you have a USB wire thingy so I can charge while driving my Honda?
BEST BUY EMPLOYEE: a cord?
ME: no, it’s a Civic
Kind of sad that the most fragile men in the world are required by law to become pro wrestling referees.
The lady cutting my hair asked me to lift my head like I was taking a selfie. I don’t know what’s worse, her request or me knowing exactly what to do.
I lick all the grapes at the grocery store. It’s romantic. Some stranger is going home with my kisses on their grapes.
Received dm of the day
No, I don’t want to experience a “typhoon” on your waterbed.
[wife leaving for the weekend]
“Baby formula is in the cupbo–”
“I think I know how to make a baby. Now go & enjoy your dad’s funeral.”
“On this one particular day every year we put on different clothes and pretend we are someone else then we go to strangers’ houses and ask for stuff”
Aliens: WHAT
Last night I read that it takes people an average of 7 minutes to fall asleep. And then I laid awake the entire night thinking about that.
I love my in laws but sometimes it’s hard with the language barrier, like today they said they were taking the kids all day and I thought they meant they were taking the kids all day
My coworker was making a run to the convenience store and asked if anyone wanted anything and I said a Yoo-hoo and now everyone is making fun of me
If you’re on the fence about getting your kid a cellphone, my MIL stopped calling me and calls my kid instead
Hi guys, got a second date tonight, we’re going to the cinema. What’s the best flavour of soup to put in my thermos? Wanna get this just right
Inspirational Tweet:
Found the sock gone missing 7 weeks ago in today’s clean laundry.
Sometimes they come back, people. Keep the faith.
Choose a job that you love, and your boss will never have to work a day in their life.
Got this super hard game on my phone called Bank Of America. You only get a power up every 2 weeks? Need cheat codes
when i’m stressed out it really helps to hold all the world’s bad news six inches from my face til 2am
I’ve taken sex off the table on first dates, much to the relief of everyone else at the restaurant.
Spanish: The h is silent
English: Many letters can be silent
French: All letters are meaningless, every living thing is born without reason
CIA Agent: First you’re gonna cry, then you’re gonna talk
Me: I’ll never talk
CIA Agent: [puts on the Notebook]
[two hours later]
Me: [crying] he-he just loved her so much you know?
CIA Agent: [also crying] wanna talk about it?
Bean bag chairs are venus fly traps for anyone over 35
watching annie with the kids and now they want me to put them in an orphanage so a wealthy person can adopt them
How much wood would Steve Winwood win if Steve Winwood could win wood?