Me: why can’t I lose weight?
Also me: only leaves the house for events involving cake
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Me: What’s the point if it’s not a little violent, dirty? I wanna feel alive. The blood makes me feel ALIVE.
Dentist: Please just floss more
Mother in law just said global warming with air quotes. It’s going to be a long night.
Eating scrambled eggs directly off the bathroom floor to demonstrate my faith in modern cleaning products
me: wheres the 13th floor?
builder: we skip it in all our buildings
me: what why
builder:
me:
builder: *embarrassed* too spooky
English is kinda weird but I’m so glad it isn’t a gendered language. It is none of my business what gender bread identifies as.
There’s been a terrible misunderstanding.
It seems that monkey is the root of all evil.
If I had to list one thing I’m truly outstanding at I think it would be ripping open resealable bags so they are no longer sealable.
A big shout out to my mother who can’t hear me otherwise.
Me, running into a mom friend at Trader Joe’s: oh your hair looks fabulous! Have you done anything different?
Her: Oh thanks! That’s the lice treatment
What do you call 100 sheep rolling down a hill
A lambslide
Recent evidence indicates that Earth is indeed bi-polar, as we’ve always suspected.
[in the backyard enjoying the morning sounds of nature] ahh the forest creatures are mad the football team lost.
Welcome to Twitter.
Here are your stones. Your glass house will be assigned to you momentarily.
Alarm: beep beep beep
Me: I respectfully decline.
My God: dead.
My world: disenchanted.
My invitation on LinkedIn: declined.
Monica just destroyed the internet
EARTH: with your vast wealth you could stop poverty 90 times over
ELON MUSK: [daydreaming] I’m going to put ice cream trucks on the moon
I went to the paint store to get thinner, it didn’t work.
Since it would take human contact to get Ebola. Everyone on Twitter is safe.
If you’re hitting the gas every time she tries to open the passenger side door, remember, the 8th time is always the funniest.
What base is it when she takes off your clothes, handcuffs you to the bed and her boyfriend comes in and they steal all your things?
Me: I feel like eventually I will drive everyone away.
Uber Driver: Same, Girl.
Guys, If you mistakenly ask a woman at work if she’s pregnant and she’s not, save face and ask if she wants to be pregnant
Lion: I heard Adam got kicked out of Eden
Antelope: o no
Lion: looks like we can eat whatever we want
Antelope: omfg
If I had a time machine, I’d go back in time to just before a famous person was supposed to be assassinated and borrow money from them.
Her: I chose you for your brains
Me: aww
Her: in case I ever become a zombie
You know you’re getting old when your friends start having kids on purpose.
I don’t discriminate. Love whoever you want. Pansexual is cool with me. I mean, I like pans, I guess. They fry bacon and stuff.
I haven’t worn corduroys since the great chafing incident in 92.
oh you wanna fight?!