I taught my 7yo chess and she’s created a lengthy backstory about how this once-peaceful community came to odds and a lengthy battle ensued. I am now of the mind that all chess should have a plot.
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Deciding to work in HR is like choosing to be the dorm RA for the rest of your life
Honestly, I think Bernie Sanders is just angry about email in general. #DemDebate
GOD: ok, you 2 have basically the same body, now let’s just divide these legs up!
SNAKE: Actually, what say we play cards for it? Winner gets ALL the legs.
GOD: …There is literally no reason to do that.
MILLIPEDE: *Shuffling with 1 hand* No no, he wants to play let him play.
guy finding a big puddle of blood in a horror movie: (touches it and looks at his fingers) it’s blood
me: oh it’s so nice out I think I’ll wear shorts and a tank top
*5000000 mosquitoes like this post*
Why is it wealthy people can refuse to pay their bills and suffer no consequences, but if I don’t pay my electr
Imagine me with poor grammar. Wrong. Worser.
I wonder what went down that day to make them put *NO heavy petting* signs up at the public swimming pool
*while scrolling Facebook
I’m so glad Congress is going to make Facebook protect my data!
*clicks on “What Harry Potter character is your social security number?”
PROLOGUE: This novel is based on a true story
AMATEURLOGUE: This stuff is like for reals or something
Movie where someone thinks they’re a ghost and the plot twist is they were alive the whole time
Put together a list of the PROS and CONS of pizza for those of you who are on the fence!
We should just put the White House on airbnb for 3 million a weekend.
me: i want to save this document
computer: great, just click save
me: ok i want to save it as something else
computer: easy, save as
me: amazing! i’m gonna save it as a pdf
computer: print
I really wanna cuddle a great big bear but the biggest shame is that I’ll probably only get to do it the once.
I hate skiing or any other sport where there’s an ambulance waiting at the bottom of the hill.
Making milkshakes because I need help with my yard work.
I was walking near a construction site today and heard the foreman yell, “You’re doing a good job!” I know that was meant for me.
My toddler climbed out of her crib and my first thought was “Why don’t they make some kind of lid or attachment for the top of these things?”
Then I realized thaaaaat’s a cage.
I’m starting to think YouTube hasn’t done a very good job of raising my children.
“I’m shaving off the beard tomorrow” I loudly announce so that anything living in there has time to evacuate
*Googles Yahoo*
Google: Wow. I’m right here
9: if a cigar is just made from a plant then why can’t kids have them?
me: I’m just trying to drink my morning coffee man.
Because I’m a loving wife I got my husband some chocolates for Valentine’s Day and because I’m his wife I ate all of them.
Want to make a nerd’s head explode? Go to any site that posted the new Star Wars trailer & write “Where’s Captain Kirk?” in the comments.
Just realized the girl I flipped off in the parking lot is in my next class.. This could be awkward.
Happy Caturday!
I tried saving a cat in a tree but the darn thing wouldn’t accept Jesus.
I’m just thankful that the presidential election doesn’t have a swimsuit portion.
Like a kite stuck in a tree, I too am stuck in a tree