Selena Gomez’s friend gave her a kidney and Meghan Markle’s friend set her up with a prince and I’m not saying I’m ungrateful for my friends but I am saying that they really need to step it up
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Microwaving fish is an office faux pas. I roast mine over an open flame in the bathroom
Both my wife and I work from home. She treats me as a colleague despite us doing completely different roles in very different industries. She keeps bouncing ideas off me to which I nod along helpfully. No idea what she’s talking about.
Them: “How’s your diet going?”
Me: *slowly eats a powdered donut while maintaining eye contact*
You can only be young once, but you can be immature forever.
“Can I buy you a drink?”
Sure! What’s your name?
“Uhh. I don’t know. I never get this far”
You don’t know your name?
*sweats* Pants are cool
Microsoft Developer: We’ll call it “Excel!”
Manager: Great! What will it do?
Developer: The opposite of that.
There are two types of people in this world. Those who make fun of Wordle. And those who can solve a Wordle.
[VIDEO] John Oliver Agrees With You For 22 Minutes
[ opening music ]
scientist: try not to give each other the zombie virus
everyone: lol
[ roll credits ]
Best part about wearing glasses is taking them off when you’re making a point so people know shit’s about to get real.
I once went out with a girl that said she was flexible like a Slinky. Two flights of stairs later, I decided she wasn’t.
People are writing condolences on my Grandma’s Facebook that sound more like Yelp reviews of her. Great woman, very loving, 5/5 stars
The Bible would be more believable if Adam was tempted by a slice of pizza instead.
how do I explain to my gen x parents that the news is something you sit down and watch for 30 minutes and not insidious background noise for the entire day
Is that Carl?
Oh hey Carl
How about the people in fast food commercials look like they actually eat fast food?
[my kid while eating a hard boiled egg]
mommy, what flavor is the yellow part?
Coworker: it’s weird not having snacks in the breakroom anymore
Me *quickly shoving donut drawer closed* good how are you
Me: I’m PMSing and everyone bugs me.
Husband: You should do the Calm app.
Me: You should do the STFU app.
My dog sure barks a lot for someone who needs a pep talk during thunderstorms
I know you all think *I’m* the chaotic one in my family, but a baboon troop just broke into my sister’s house and stole two jars of peanut butter and her husband chased them off with a baseball bat, an event she relayed by dropping a video with no explanation in the group chat
Parents love telling you that you should date that person you haven’t seen or thought about for 10 years
Just made some home made Mac n cheese, so cheesy and buttery that you have to sign a medical waiver before taking a bite.
How can kids be so dumb and so brilliant at the same time? My son can’t say “oatmeal,” but he calls it “eatmeal” before I serve it and “atemeal” once he’s done.
My toddler won’t go to sleep so I gave her a big kiss and told her that I love her very much but a little less after 9pm. She thought this was hilarious and is currently in her room cracking up, while I’m sitting here wondering how much her therapy bills are gonna be
When you forgot you made garlic sauce with the sour cream, and then proceed to bake banana bread.
Anyone want some garlic banana bread?
Just drank two 5-Hour Energy shots. Will I get 10 hours of energy? And why is that rainbow giggling at me? AndAHH MY SKIN IS ON INSIDE-OUT!
took a DNA test and found out all my ancestors were also tired
So how do you stop eating the endless breadsticks at Olive Garden does the restaurant close or are you supposed to bring a spotter with you?
When I say “I’m open to feedback” I mean “I accept compliments.”