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My dog ate my work from home.
When life hands you alligators, make gator aid.
If I ever get the death penalty, I hope “by chocolate” is an option.
[date]
him: I loved Captain Marvel.
me: Me too!
him: What was your favorite part?
me: *sweating* The uhhh…marveling
In high school I was best known as “Hey what’s your friends name?”
I lost my composure in 1992. I haven’t seen it since.
Opening a package of cheese within 2 miles of my dog is the plot to A Quiet Place 2
Dr: well i have good news and bad news
Me: give me the bad news
Dr: you have cancer
Me: what’s the good news
Dr: i don’t
Just saw a boneless KFC commercial followed by an ad for apple flavored beer. Anyone remember when adults didn’t act like five year olds?
Chaos is my favourite word that’s spelled like it means it.
How much for the mirror?
Ma’am that’s the cover of Vogue
yoooo let ur cat know i said pspspsps
salesman: you’ll like this car
me: how many dogs fit in it
salesman: how many what
me: dogs. come on dude have you never sold cars before
*young people decide to avoid hard drugs and lead healthier lifestyles*
BUSINESS INSIDER HEADLINE: millenials are killing the meth industry
Kristen Stewart seems like one of those missing milk carton kids who was raised by their kidnapper.
“How much is that doggy in the window” is a dumb thing to write a song about. Just go ask one of the workers
[1868]
*forgets cup of coffee on top of horse*
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
Dog: You stopped scratching my head? Is everything ok?!
Me: Yes, everything’s fine. I’ve been scratching your head for 15 minutes.
Dog: Problems at home?
Me:
Me, leaving my child home alone: Call me if there’s an emergency.
My child, calling me 2 minutes later: Do you know where the Oreos are?
I’m watching a guy on tv who makes a living simply by having opinions about hockey wondering which one of us is the bigger pile of shit.
Had this weird dream last night that I was Superman, but I was only able to fly really low to the ground because I’m chubby.
PA System: Attention shoppers, the store will be closing in five hours
Sloth: Uh oh
If there is any indication of how this day will go, I put my shirt on backwards this morning. No biggie, except the fact it’s a button down.
If I’m being honest, a Seven Nation Army probably could hold me back.
Dads on here: my kid is such an amazing person. I love them. Moms on here: let me tell you what this little shit stain did today.
If food delivery apps had never been invented I would either be wildly rich or dead
I am the boss of me. And my wife is my boss’s boss.
Leaflet through the door telling me I can enjoy sex at 75. Which is handy, because I live at number 81.
if i was the one who drove the titanic i bet i could have hit at least 3 ice bergs before it sank