Let’s bring back the word HOOTENANNY
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If you use the iPhone 6 upside down, boom, iPhone 9.
The Bible Belt – the land where you pretend not to recognize each other in the liquor store.
(seeing your lamp) you have a pet sun! (touching it, it burns) and i see it’s not trained very well 😐
My husband says I never do anything, so I just cleaned out our bank account.
Dating is easy. You just *goes into fetal position*
Doctor: “Just lie back and relax, I’ll start the lasik eye procedure in a moment.”
*Turns on laser*
*Patient’s face is attacked by cats*
4 months ago,I started a poultry business with 4 chicken🐣 ,And I’m here to tell you that I successfully ate all of them😂😂
Daughter saw old clothes I’ve saved for sentimental value & said ‘I bet you cried when the last dinosaur died too’. She’s out of the will.
Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord my soul…to keep…
If I shall die before I wake–
Yah, I really don’t like where this is going.
As a child, my family’s menu consisted of two choices – take it or leave it.
-gestures to everything in the Garage-
Me- THESE ARE MY TOOLS AND I AM THEIR KING!!!
Wife- YOU’RE a tool
Me- DAMN RIGHT I AM
Wait..what?
Imagine if we discovered another ocean. I hope we name it Billy
The vet said he can’t prescribe my imaginary horse anymore ketamine.
My dog licked the crumbs out of my computer keyboard & earned an online college degree.
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you’ve got 5 more rounds in the chamber. You’ll get that moon eventually. He’ll pay for what he did.
I’m not doing ANYTHING until he asks nicely
My son – not this again
Cop –
Lmao my first taste of adulthood was learning you had to actually pay for Microsoft office. I had be using it for free my whole life as a student. It didn’t even occur to me it cost money to have it at home
I spend too much of my time asking our dog, “have you seen the kids?!”
I’ll give up my thesaurus when you pry it from my frigid, frosty, frozen, cadaverous, lifeless, stiff, defunct extremities.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who sees you eating the chicken nuggets he said he didn’t want
I WILL NOT click on your tinyurl link, no matter what people are saying about me.
me: I always follow my moral compass
friend who’s lost in the woods with me: maybe we should’ve followed a compass compass
Kylo Ren: What was Vader like?
Leia: He blew up my planet & killed everyone I loved.
Kylo:
Leia:
Kylo: What was his stance on sideburns?
Apparently Mr. Neeson’s “particular set of skills” is terrible at keeping his family from getting kidnapped.
Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you, it’s the way you have to make everything into a joke. I can’t do it any more, I’m just too tired
Me: *sadly* like a bicycle?
Ex Girlfriend:…
Don’t mess with me; I’ll throw a semicolon in just to discombobulate you.
My husband thinks it’s embarrassing when I sing to my tomato plants when the neighbors are outside. But I think it’s embarrassing he doesn’t.
*At the Canadian Citizenship Exam*
Proctor: Your exam begins now and you have 1 hour to complete —
Me: *jumps out of desk and begins guzzling bottles of maple syrup* How many do I have to finish in an hour to pass?
Peter Jackson just found a postcard JRR Tolkien wrote his nephew in 1938. He’s turning it into 22 nine-hour films.