Holy crap this is wonderful
You Might Also Like
1.25pm: Do you love me more than football?
4.25pm: Yes, of course.
Otters see a butterfly.
“Bigotry”
-an Italian guy describing an oak
I hate it when people who are younger than me complain about being old. They’re all like… well, I forget what they say, but it’s still annoying.
8: [dragging the dog by her front legs]
me: don’t do that! Would you like it if I pulled you by your arms everywhere?
8: I don’t care
me: hm ok
Narrator: oh but he did care. He cared A LOT in fact.
I’ve purchased a longer telephone cord so that I can remain on Neighborhood Watch and still talk to Fran.
A new rule at the office is if you cry you get sent home. Anyways, I can’t stop crying.
Me: [Walks into kitchen]
[Evil spirit flings open all the cabinet doors]
Me: [Gasps]
.
.
.
.
I still have Pringles?
Yesterday’s me was confident enough to pack a bikini. Today’s me now has to live with that poor decision.
INTERVIEWER: What would you say is your greatest weakness?
ME: Well, for starters, I’m unemployed.
When we do get this coronavirus vaccine, it better not just be cake.
Let’s get married and have kids, so we can have mini versions of ourselves do that annoying thing that our spouse does but louder.
I read an article today about a cat who saved his owner’s life. I’m still trying to teach mine not to vomit hairballs on my bed.
[first day as a wizard]
me: babe I said I was sorry
frog: >:(
them: did you know …
me: lemme stop you right there, pal you could fill an Amazon warehouse with what I don’t know
when im eating a salad and some leaf stems are sticking out of my mouth i feel like a brontosaurus
Me: you’re my first customer so forgive me if I’m slow
Bank robber: you’re doing great buddy
[kool-aid man catches son sneaking in and smells his breath] is that…hawaiian punch?
“dad i can explain”
Given my love of animals and hatred of housework, I predict my cause of death will be choking on a fur ball.
WIFE: I’m tired of you living in a fantasy world
ME: *imagining she’s Kate Upton* You always say that, Kate
WIFE: Who is Kate? WHO IS KATE?
Every time my kids start whining I get the urge to call my mom and apologize
BRITS: Put extra vowels in all of the words!
WELSH: Fckn Brts tk r vwls. Lts jst mk nw wrds wtht thm, xcpt y. Y cn sty.
First day as a vet
Him: I need you to take a look at my turtle.
Me: the reptile dysfunction?
Bad cop *plants drugs in perps car*
Gardener cop *adds mulch & Miracle-Gro®*
Him: Watch your language at dinner tonight.
Me: So you want less Tarantino…
H: …and more Seuss.
M: Gotcha. No swearing. Lots of rhyming.
Ignorance is bliss, and rampant.
There’s literally no way to know how many chameleons are in your house
Just did a 15km row which is my all time personal best and was feeling pretty good about it until I realised that I’d left the fox and the chicken on the same side of the river.
What woman say right before they kill you:
Wow.
Fine.
Whatever.
No problem.
I’m not mad.
Nothing’s wrong.
Sure, stay friends with your ex.
Sorry my emotional support panther ate your emotional support peacock.