Don’t text and drive. Just pull over until you’re done using your phone. That’s what I do. I’ve been on the side of the road since 2011.
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DOG 911: what’s the emergency?
DOG: a boy threw a ball but I can’t find it
DOG 911: did u check his hand?
DOG: of course I checked hi—DAMMIT
An umpire pulling out a small broom and sweeping his date’s chair before she sits down.
one time i accidentally spilled some tabasco sauce on my grandma’s ouija board & the next thing i knew my pontiac fiero was on fire
Bugs have antennas so they can get a few local channels for free
Me food shopping alone: $250.00
Food shopping w/the husband: $99.75
Food shopping with the kids: $699.00
Imagine if there were no cops and you had 8 hands for slapping
Whenever I start to feel old, I just remind myself I’m still young enough to play a teenager on Beverly Hills 90210.
If a tree falls in the woods and there is no one to hear it, he still tries to play it off like he meant it so the other trees don’t laugh.
I wish I were an octopus so that the answer to all of my problems would be, ‘change color and escape in a cloud of ink’
Conspiracy implies the existence of pros piracy
Mozzarella sticks in the streets, mozzarella sticks in the sheets.
There’s never a bad time for mozzarella sticks.
ON TWITTER FOR TEN MINUTES: aw sweet, there’s so many smart funny people here
ON TWITTER FOR AN HOUR: my life is now dedicated to vengeance on PatriotMike24396857
Music can transport us, like when I sang “Baby Shark” so loud at Applebees my date got me an Uber.
“I wasn’t that drunk…”
“Dude, you were driving your truck around the Walmart parking lot trying to find your truck.”
Ask your doctor if doctors are right for you. Make them self conscious. Question their motives. Die unnecessarily young and smug.
You wanna mess with me, pal? You wanna mess with the saddest man in town? I’ve got a whole crew of sad boys just waiting to burst into tears
Lunch. Meeting. Sure, let’s ruin both at once.
I see a badly-tied bin liner.
When aliens make movies with earthlings in them, I wonder what goofy names they give us?
This is my first Christmas without my dad, and like he used to say, “don’t fill your plate if you can’t finish it” so today I’m only having dessert
*sees someone drop their wallet*
*picks it up and runs after them*Excuse me! EXCUSE ME!
You… *catches breath* Your outfit is hideous
What’s with these people who take a sip of their coffee as soon as they get it? Who are these iron-mouthed warriors?
[handing out condoms to trick or treaters] give these to your parents, I don’t want more of you coming back next year
“Our relationship is nice because we can sit silently and still have fun.” – cool thing to say to the person in bathroom stall next to you.
Ate half my sandwich prolly save the other half for later
[helping kid w/math]
What is 0.1 as a fraction?
“One tenth?”
Good, now what does 10% mean?
“Battery low, plug in your phone?”
Perfect
GIRLFRIEND: *Crying* My dog died!
ME (who was only dating her because of her dog): So I have more bad news.
Have you ever noticed that Santa brings better gifts to the kids that have rich parents?
where it all went wrong:
“of course i know where we’re going”