[1 of 4 car accidents caused by texting & driving]
PEOPLE: won’t be me
[1 in 292 million chance of winning powerball]
PEOPLE: you never know
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“Listen to your body.” Okay, my body wants to be fat and unemployed.
I hate when people say “next time you’re in my neck of the woods”
omg this isn’t the prairie Laura, you live across from a Starbucks
[feeling confident] *trips on a leaf*
“you attract what you fear” ahhhhh a healthy relationship ahhhhh
Friend: your kid is bouncing off the walls and running everywhere!
Me: yeah… she’s super tired
Friend: tired?
Me: it’s complicated
For cardio I live beyond my means.
I’m just a girl standing in front of a boy watching him clean his golf clubs with the wire brush I use for my suede boots.
My 6yo drew a picture of my mom, and I don’t think she’s ever going to babysit ever again😭
In 8th grade I had to take care of an egg to teach me responsibility. That egg hatched, and I raised the chicken as my own. He was delicious
Yogi Bear: You gonna eat that?
Hiker: THAT’S A BABY.
YB: And I’m a talking bear.
Hiker:
YB:
Hiker:
YB: So where are we on that baby?
Sleep is just something clowns made up so they can eat you.
I just read a thing that said I should compliment myself on my decisions, regardless of outcome. No thanks, I’m not the government.
I’m happiest when people tell me “Don’t be a hero” because there’s absolutely no way I’m going to disappoint them.
Enthusiasm 1 – 0 Judgement
Accidentally played dad instead of dead when I encountered a bear and now it can ride a bike without training wheels.
When you write a scene that finally fixes that one plot hole.
Can’t wait for my family to go to sleep so I can do that thing I like*
*eat the good cheese
3rd eye: youre on drugs
4th eye: youre a nerd
5th-7th eyes: ???
8th eye: you are now a spider
9th eye: spider on drugs
16th eye: nerd spider
Colorado is burning down and the next time I see one of you fuckers flick a cig out the window I’m going to ram you with my car.
I just misspelled a word so bad that auto correct blew milk out its nose.
God gives his toughest battles* to his strongest soldiers.
*I have to log back into Hulu on my TV.
I posted “I did it!!!” to Facebook and got a ton of congratulations but nobody realized I was confessing.
I’ve been up for 20 hours. There’s no way I could perform surgery right now. Mainly, because I have no medical training.
If you hold a warm baked potato it feels like you’re holding someone’s hand without having to touch anyone.
WIFE: Don’t embarrass me in front of my boss, he’s colorblind
ME: Duh
[later at party]
ME: [to boss] So when did you learn Colorbraille?
Someone asked how I was doing, so I said, “well l, let’s just say I’m not built Ford Tough” bc I’m not able to say I’m not doing well out loud. In retrospect I think the cashier really just wanted a “good & you” response but instead we bathed in the awkwardness that is my brain.
HER: I’m a big fan of Nirvana
ME: Oh yeah? Name 3 other ultimate spiritual goals
The great thing about Twitter is that it gives everyone a platform to be heard.
The worst thing about Twitter is that it gives everyone a platform to be heard.
All I’m saying is, I’ve never seen my Ex and Satan in the same room together.