People r afraid of boogers. I bet u could rob a bank with a booger! Folks in the bank would back up! Police would be puzzled tho: A Bogger?!
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A polite way to call someone’s baby ugly is to say “Oh. He looks just like you.”
Guys, we’ve lost the battle on “I could care less.” Let’s move forward, focus on “should of.”
me: can i be frank for a sec
boss: sure
frank: thank you
Every time I go into my boss’ office she tells me “take a seat”. I have 14 now.
Asking every new person I meet if they’re cake.
Did you hear about the armored car guard who was really surprised to get fired?
He thought he had job security…
Me: Don’t you talk to me like you are paying me for what I do
Boss:
Boss: But I am paying you for what you do!
Me: What did I just say!!
You think if you die with a yeast infection, you’ll rise from the dead?
My pronouns are she/her and my adjectives are problematic/overwhelmed
I once stayed in a motel that was so seedy, the Bible in the drawer only had 7 commandments
[on date]
HER: I once broke up with a guy for saying “I could care less”
ME: Haha that idiot [nervous] of course it’s “I could care fewer”
Dating profiles should make you share a sound bite of you sneezing.
When you let your mom cut your hair and she tells you what a handsome young man you are
“I can hear my annoying neighbor crying to Adele’s new song as she throws away her empty, clinking beer bottles.”
– my neighbor
What do I look for in a girl? Well she has to be hot. And well-rounded. And cheesy. Extra guac. Wait, wrong list, this is my Chipotle order.
It’s as though the guy beside me in traffic earlier had never seen a woman take her bra off without removing her shirt before
We’re all different. For example, some folks get up early to exercise… And others get up early to eat cookies before the kids wake up.
“Dad, I don’t feel good.”
“Do you want to go see the doctor?”
“Yeah.”
“Are you gonna throw up?”
“Maybe.”
“OK. We’ll take your mom’s car.”
her: i’m leaving you
me: is it because of my obsession with emo rock bands
her: no it’s because of the weird chemistry fanfics that you keep writing
me: i knew it! you hate my chemical romance
Him: Can you turn on the wifi?
Me: *does a seductive dance in front of the router*
Getting high with witches sounds super cool until they start looking at you and whispering about sacrifices.
im all 3
My mom just put a pic on Facebook that says, “Share if your daughter is beautiful AND smart.” She tagged my sister.
Marriage is one spouse cooking and the other deciding to block them by unloading the dishwasher and ending the argument by rage folding laundry
Houseguests should have a mandatory bedtime.
HER: do you own any firearms
ME [trying to impress]: no but I have some hot legs
It only looks like my kids are having popsicles for breakfast, Brenda, those are clearly frozen smoothies
I feel a deep connection to librarians because I also love telling people to shut up.
I asked my 13-year-old what time I need to pick her up tonight. She told me to check the practice schedule she already gave me. That’s the kid version of “as per my last email.”
I’d go to Mastodon, but I have zero dinosaur jokes.