Her: Why don’t you ever discuss politics with me?
Me: Because I respect your right to be wrong.
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Don’t you just love arts and crafts?
TRUMP: Let’s get that Muslim Band going
“Band? We thought you said ban”
TRUMP: No way, that’s harsh. Also, how’s that Mexican mall coming?
Y’all realise that you can play a joke on someone without it being April 1st? Like no one is monitoring this!
I just don’t understand how moats ever went out of style.
Counting calories is great for when you want to eat and do math and cry at the same time.
Your honor? My client would like to address the court and ruin everything.
Tree: so how do I eat?
God: you just absorb sunlight and-
Tree: I EAT THE SUN?!
God: well not exactly-
Tree: *expression darkening* I ᴀᴍ ᴛʜᴇ ᴇᴀᴛᴇʀ ᴏғ ʟɪɢʜᴛ. I ᴀᴍ ᴅᴀʀᴋɴᴇss ɪɴᴄᴀʀɴᴀᴛᴇ
God:
Angel: boss I’m just gonna go ahead and scrap tree legs.
Imagine breaking up on the moon but then you have the whole rocket ship ride home together
Imagine if Spiders could Breakdance
[planning vacation]
Alexa, show me extradition treaties
The shortest amount of time known to man is what scientists call a “sundae second.” It refers to the period of time between when your child says he is too full to finish dinner and when he asks for ice cream.
i bet when fish see it’s raining they’re like “oh cool a refill”
Kills Two mosquitoes with spray.
*writes DEADLY ASSASSIN in bio*
During A$AP Rocky’s hearing today in Sweden he was asked if he goes by any nicknames.
His response: “Yes, Rocky, A$AP Rocky, pretty motherf*cker”
#FreeRocky
The only thing sexier than a girl wearing glasses is a girl wearing only glasses.
Drive thru window: Sorry, did you want fries with that?
My brain: He’s asking because you look like you eat a lot of potatoes
I’m starting to think the guy offering to check for lumps inside his van was not as legit as his cardboard certificate claimed.
Why are they called bars and not alcohalls?
[on a first date]
Her: …
Me: …EMT: So, whose idea was it to go ice skating?
Ever talk to someone so stupid you can actually hear them misspelling words?
Wait one second “Mario Brothers” Implies that Luigi’s name is Luigi Mario and Mario’s name is Mario Mario….What is this I’m smoking again?
it’s “wake up little susie” because no one wanted to mess with big susie
I am much less afraid of jail when I’m drunk.
thanks for the crochet armor, mom, I’m sure it will work just fine
when your spouse’s phone rings & they go to the other room to answer it
my lower back watching me try to live my life
The Mrs: Why haven’t you done laundry?
Me: I’m recycling the clothes
The Mrs: You already used that line
Me: I’m also recycling my excuses
TRUMP: Millions of Draculas are entering our country illegally from Transylvania. The security of our nation is a stake!
me: will i go to jail in the future
psychic: no
me: gimme your wallet and empty the register
I bet when the toaster came out everyone was happy they didn’t have to throw their bread at lightning anymore.