“Bob is coming over for dinner tonight.”
Bob from work or Bob that ended the dinosaurs?
*the sky turns red and warm*
You Might Also Like
Weird…the ChatGPT warnings are the same ones I have on my hinge profile…
her: the car isnt working. you need to do something about it
me: sure *to car* GET A JOB YOU LAZY CAR
her: i meant a mechanic
me: i really dont care what job
When asked what deceased historical figure I’d like resurrected to be my dinner companion, I always answer Einstein.
When told it’s an uninspired, clichéd choice, I clarify Milena Einstein.
If you can’t be with the one you love, love the grilled cheese you’re with.
The airline I’m traveling in just made an announcement that said all mobile phones, laptops and PAGERS should be switched off. If I own a pager in 2022, I won’t need an airplane to travel. I’ll just use my time machine.
Since they added those little mirrors on the ATM, I now get to see what having insufficient funds looks like on my face.
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
me: [teary eyed] if anything ever happened to you i would kill myself
her: ur kinda weird for a surgeon
Nothing is as heavy as a page that needs turning.
When a waiter doesn’t write down the order and someone in your group asks for no pickles and you know that’s going to be thing that wrecks it for everybody.
Jurassic Park 7: Nothing goes wrong and everyone just genuinely enjoys the company of the dinosaurs
I’d like my parents to cheer for me for eating solid foods, taking steps, and sleeping thru the night now
[at job interview]
It says here that you are very hands on.
Yes, sir, I am.
Can you give me an example of this?
*gently caresses his face*
I’ve never owned a pair of spanx that didn’t eventually own me.
Cop: ‘You realize you were weaving?’
Me: ‘Technically , it’s called ‘texting’, but yes.’
[Rappers job interview]
Boss: What is your biggest weakness?
Me: My rhyme game is weak. I can’t speak. I’m a geek. Birds have feathers.
Some dude built his wife the Taj Mahal and I can’t get a DM from a guy that doesn’t have his wife in his profile picture
I want to open a restaurant for divorcees but I can’t think of what to name it other than fed ex
do you have any idea how fast you were going?
“no, I’m not wearing my contacts”
LOL at vegetarians coming to my house for a BBQ! Feel free to eat my lawn.
L-O-L!
Please stop referring to things as “Orwellian”. Some of us haven’t read his books yet and you’re spoiling them
[Bath & Body Works]
Me: I need a bottle of body lotion for my wife.
Clerk: These are Buy 3 Get 1 Free.
Me: I just need this one here.
Clerk: That’s not Buy 3 Get 1 but it IS Buy 1 Get 2 and if you buy this it’s Buy 2 Get 3 Free.
Me [leaving with 300 bottles]: how did this happen
Things are getting serious with my new boyfriend. Neither of us have slept with anyone else in eleven months (we met last week)
Interviewer: Your resume only has “Mad” under “Skills”
Me: Yeah boyee
Interviewer: *tears up* You’re just what we need. Welcome to Subway.
That face-melting Nazi guy in ‘Raiders of the Lost Ark’ but it’s just my makeup the second I step outside in the summer.
Hello everyone, this is your captain speaking. The plane’s going down. Look, stop screaming, that’s not going to make me a better pilot
As far as I’m concerned the person who made kids toothpaste sparkly neon blue can go straight to hell. Twice a day I have to clean Smurf vomit from my sink. #smurfvomit #gotohell
Me: I’ve got a 12 pack in the fridge
Him: Toss me a cold one
*Lettuce and cheese fly everywhere as the taco hits him square in the chest*
If dogs take after their owners, I need to work on my posture.
My kid is really into Animorphs, so I think he is going to love whatever The Human Centipede is.