*walks up to bouncer*
“sorry pal, this is a private country club”
*peeks inside*
[everybody’s fist pumping hard as heck to kenny chesney]
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[trying to make a new friend]
…so that’s the worst thing that’s ever happened to me, now you go
I used to be God’s gift to women but now I’m God’s gift to the clickbait advertising industry.
Cop: spread’em!
Me: *frantically starts buttering bread*
Boys get 1 polo shirt and wear it till the horse dies!!
*Makes bacon
*Eats one piece
*2 pieces
*3 pieces
*Eats all the bacon
*Hides the evidence9: Yummm! What’s that smell?
Me: Cereal
Me: oh wow, do I detect just a hint a peppermint?
Cellmate: *stabbing me in the neck with a Candy Cane shiv* what is wrong with you?!
guy who has only been to ikea, walking into his second furniture store: can’t wait to eat the meatballs here
Why did they call them the behavioral traits of centaurs and not human neighture.
Wife: The kid was holding a sparkler.
Me: …I thought her arm was on fire.
Wife: You hosed her down for 9 minutes.
I was up all night reading about insomnia
After moving approximately 35 times in about as many years I’m here to tell you that you’ll keep the people who matter most. What you’ll miss are the restaurants.
Age 17: I can’t wait to travel the world!
Age 37: Feeling kind of adventurous. Might go to the “good” grocery store 15 miles away.
[Getting back into van after museum heist]
Me: Hey guys did you know that Neanderthals buried their dead?
I don’t care who dies in the movie but it better not be the dog.
I remember when the History Channel actually played MUSIC!
By allowing my children to play their music & video games loudly, I’m able to get candy out of its wrapper into my mouth unseen.
if you actually do the calculations, it turns out movies always give the wrong answers for equations because otherwise they owe a royalty to math
me: *gets down on one knee* will you help me make this tree house into a tree home?
girlfriend : *shouts from the ground* I can’t hear you, why can’t I just come up there?
me: no girls allowed
Wow so when an ostrich buries head in the sand, it’s alright; but when I do it, I’m arrested for trying to get rid of a murder victim’s body.
Is it because I’m brown??
In my day, we didn’t have quiet quitting.
The 5:00 whistle would blare, you’d yell “Yabba dabba doo!” as loud as you could, then slide down the back of a dinosaur.
*At store buying school supplies*
Son: I need hashtag 2 pencils
I’m a really friendly person unless you try and make small talk with me
{The purge}
GUY MURDERING ME: It’s “purge.” It’s a soft g.
ME: The purg. I feel like I’m saying it.
GUY: No, it’s “purge.” You’re saying it like “iceberg.”
ME: Purg.
GUY: *Getting increasingly frustrated* Say iceberg.
ME: Iceburge.
I went into a Starbucks with an HP laptop instead of a MacBook and they took behind the store and shot me in the leg.
Im at the swamp does anyone need anything
like my toaster, i too spend a lot of time in my kitchen making sudden movements and burning things.
The pottery scene in “Ghost,” except you’re slowly but steadily pushing the other person’s face into the clay.
Why is it that when other women wear a chain over a turtleneck it looks impossibly chic but when I do it I look like that 1994 photo of The Rock
“Sleep when you’re dead”… well this weekend consider me the dearly departed.