Yes indeed, I am a morning person. Morning naps are my favorite
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HER: I think we should see other people.
ME: I don’t. We’re awful. We should leave other people alone.
I found a bat in my basement & my first reaction was to run to the door so the light could get in, because I saw it done in a vampire movie.
At the young age of 5, a bear told me that I am the only person who can prevent forest fires. Why I was chosen, I’ll never know.
I haven’t had my coffee yet, so only approach me if you can’t find something high enough to jump off of.
Insomnia is just your brain’s way of telling you it’s secretly a squirrel with ADHD.
The house from Hansel and Gretel but made out of tacos.
I’m sorry your eyebrows look like two unruly caterpillars chasing each other across your forehead.
once again my favorite hobby, lunging at people in parking garages, has landed me in hot water
*detective bangs on table*
I SAID GIVE ME A NAME!
“Uh, Aaron?”
Aaron… I like it!
*’Aaron’ leaves interrogation room, ready for a new life*
omg your honor why are you like obsessed with my client
My 5 year old brother said “when I’m older I won’t have a GF, I’ll live on my own like my big brother”
YEAH CAUSE THAT’S TOTALLY A CHOICE
Can we just admit that a 5-year-old named walkie talkies?
Sorry I yelled “April Fool’s” while you were proposing to your girlfriend.
Cop: Ma’am can you describe the panty thief?
Her: White male, early 40s, overweight
Me from the closet: Husky, I prefer to be called husky
If you wanna be classy, just use the word “whilst.”
Example: I know I just met you, but can you cum on my face whilst I pinch my nipples?
Coming soon from the makers of Hamilton:
LINCOLN
Featuring the smash rap hit about the Civil War:
“This could be US, but you slavin’.”
[at hairstylist]
Make me look like I’m running really fast.
[slowly removing special glasses]
Me (looking left): Bob, that eclipse was amazing
Bob (taps my right shoulder): Hey, I’m over here
I bet ducks would love bananas if they knew about bananas.
ME: So what’s happening today
NEWS: *incoherent screaming*
BY THIRTY FIVE YOU SHOULD HAVE SAVED HALF OF YOUR RETIREMENT WHICH IS EASY IF YOUR RETIREMENT PLAN IS TO WADE INTO THE SEA
Me: What makes you think I have trouble letting go?
Her: You woke me up at 3am to ask that?
Christina Aguilera: *uses elaborate hand gestures while singing*
Me: *uses same gestures while eating a calzone*
1980s : average parent ; 4 kids
2016: average kid ; 4 parents
*Batman voice*
“I’m Batman.”*Wife voice*
“Go empty the dishwasher, Batman.”
“Shit! Shit! Shit! Shit!” – When man discovered bears can climb trees as well
Have you ever thought about how weird it is that one of your hands is dumber than the other?
The partisan media is ONCE AGAIN twisting my words, so let me make this perfectly clear: I am NOT a little teapot. The video clips being circulating showing me stamping my feet and repeatedly insisting that I AM a little teapot have been taken out of context.
kinda want to get my dog to bark for 2 minutes as my voice mail so no one ever leaves me one again