I’m an Easter egg in the streets and a deviled egg in the sheets.
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I have zero sexual interest in you
you’re not Peter Dinklage
Your superhero name is your credit card number, those 3 digits on the back of your card & the expiration date. Comment below so we can all enjoy.
Step aside coffee, this is a job for alcohol.
*wakes up in bed with horse’s head, hits snooze button*
I don’t trust the so-called “mainstream media.” I get news from ouija boards and an angry owl living in the woods on the outskirts of town.
Most forest fires are started when someone runs with corduroy pants on
If by yoga you mean reaching the outlet to plug in my charger without getting out of bed, then yes, I do yoga
*decides to workout*
*lays on ground to do sit-up*
*find skittle on ground*
*eats it*
*takes nap*
This is now my favourite pie chart ever.
My 6 year old just said that if she likes her husband she’ll take his last name, but if she doesn’t like him he’ll have to take her last name. Sounds fair to me.
Neighbor just yelled at me for playing in his sprinkler.
Note to self, I should wear clothes next time.
Cop: How much have you had to drink?
Me: 24 glasses of milk
Cop: Milk? Why were you driving so erratically?
Me: I was hoping I’d get pulled over so I could brag
Replying to all emails with “ya think?”.
[interview]
BOSS: How many words can you type a minute?
ME: Probably all of them
BOSS: What do you mean?
ME: Well, like for example, pickle
LADY AT COSTUME PARTY: ooh, I love Garfield!
ME (in a lovingly hand-tailored Hobbes costume): *starts weeping* haha yeah i hate mondays
My mom has more confidence in discovering the truth about the JFK assassination than me finding another husband
I honestly see both sides of the flat earth debate.
@Ivsy01 Your tweets are so awesome, we had to make a page for you in our site!
I can’t convince the kids to come for dinner yet my husband convinced them he can do backflips, but only in his backflip pants, which he has misplaced.
Me: You can be anything you want when you grow up
Son: I want to be a dinosaur
Me: I meant like a job. Like you could be president.
Son: I want to be the first dinosaur president
All I’m saying is having a great sense of smell is not as wonderful as you would think it would be.
79.
Making a list of all the people who wrote “Happy Birthday” on my wall without an exclamation point so that I know who’s secretly mad at me.
Me: I’ll start work early so I can stop working earlier
Also me: *just works twice as many hours cuz I started earlier
[on the phone with an ex while violently twisting and stabbing a voodoo doll]
Are you sure you’re ok?
Got tazed at the zoo again for telling a group of kids that some gorillas in the wild walk around carrying hammers and that they are called ‘Thorillas’.
Wife: Can you take the kale chips out of the oven?
Me: Sure. Can you hold the trash open?
In college I had 3 girlfriends at the same time. 10 years and a wife later, I have 0 girlfriends. Stay in school kids.
If your tax accountant has a Yahoo email address, you’re getting audited.