“SOMEBODY had a lot of time on their hands.” What dull people say about creative people.
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[in court]
me: if i’m guilty of anything, your honor, it’s trying too hard
judge: trying to break in that car, yes i know
“Come reckon with me bro.”
-Force
I never understood why people get buried in suits. When I die bury me in my PJ’s. If I’m gonna be sleeping that long I wanna be comfortable.
Me: I’m sorry, but I don’t think I’ll ever be ready to have children
Wife: I won’t say it again, stop saying that in front of the kids
Me: Coke please
Server: Sorry we don’t have Coke. Is vodka ok?
Me: Why yes, yes it is
There should be a horror movie where an item associated with childhood innocence is unexpectedly evil
Good thing most planes have TVs. Nothings worse than having to look out the window at Earths sacred majesty from the point of view of angels
At Fantastic Beasts & some nerds are in Hogwarts robes so I don’t know why they’re giving me the stink eye for my Wonder Woman outfit
friend: this has been the worst day of my life
me, an aspiring motivational life coach: worst day of your life SO FAR
If a bank robber yelled at me to get down on the ground and then my apple watch told me to stand I’d be legit conflicted for a second
My rapper alter ego is “lil green onion” because I’m a rapscallion
Back in my day, ketchup only came in glass bottles. I’m grateful for the life lessons it taught me; most problems can easily be solved with patience or a knife.
˙ɯɹɐɥ ʎuɐ ǝɯ op ʇ,upıp ʇı puɐ pןıɥɔ ɐ sɐ pɐǝɥ ʎɯ uo pǝddoɹp sɐʍ ı
*wakes up in bed with horse’s head, hits snooze button*
Monday
Sad? Confused? There’s a nap for that.
NASA: The moon is wobbling.
Me [on my 3rd Bloody Mary]: same
I’m not a narcissist.
But If I was, I would be the best one there ever was.
I won’t take any criticism on this
I spent my time preparing a home cooked dinner and placed it in front of the kids who asked for something different, and laughed. Then I laughed. Then we laughed. Then I spoke in a voice not of this world & everyone ate their damn dinner.
Of course I want to connect with my high school boyfriend’s mom thank you LinkedIn.
According to the amount of bacon I just cooked. I’m a family of 8.
her: You look really good.
me: Thanks! That’s a really cool pen. Where did you get it?
I was thrilled when this beautiful girl came up and asked me for a date.
Then I realised it was just because I work at a dried fruit stand.
I’d like to take a moment to thank everyone who took time out of her or his busy schedule to tell me, “omg you look like hell.”
where’s that tiktok video of that guy dancing in front of some cows and the cows are slowly backing away from him and then he hits one move really hard and they all run away
A buddy gave me some of his pee in a jar so I could pass a drug screen. I failed, which is weird, cause I drank ALL of it.
Any dinner can be a murder mystery dinner if you’re ambitious enough.
911: What’s your emer-
She said don’t get her anything for Valentine’s Day!
911: And you didn’t?
No!
911: Placing you in protective custody.
I didn’t know any of my neighbor’s names before getting a dog but now I know their names are Kylo’s mom, Phoebe’s dad, Max’s mom and Bo’s parents
Them: Do your best you can’t hurt me anymore.
Social media apps: Hold my beer🍺.