So when a cop asks you why you have a handcuff key on your key ring, saying it was his wife’s idea will get you a free ride in his cop car
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Going to change my display name here to “Actually…,” so I won’t have to type it out every time I reply to a tweet.
I like how we say “vegan” now instead of “eating disorder”.
Cat: if my calculations are correct, a meteor will destroy the Earth in 324 days…
[What I hear]
Cat: meow..
Me: awe, who wants a snuggle?
[at the mall]
Me: i need to get upstairs right awaySecurity Guard: take the escalator
Me: *grabs him by the collar* i need the esca NOW
At what age should you put the tonsils back in
This spa was amazing!
Umm Miss, you just walked through our car wash.
I deep cleaned the carpet so now I guess we’ll live outside.
I’m sorry I don’t speak any English
-me when someone starts talking to me
“PS, I love you” — Me to my PlayStation.
Me: “I feel like this bottom tooth has shifted, they’re not as straight as they should be.”
Orthodontist: “Are you wearing your Invisalign trays every night?”
Me: …
…
… “What’s your point?”
Two gunslingers face each other in the street, waiting to draw. Minutes pass. I’m still obliviously standing between them sipping a Slurpee.
If I were lost and all I had was a compass I would still be lost.
Me working 60+ hrs a week: I have 15 minutes free, so I should do 5 things.
Me unemployed: I can’t take a shower in less than 8 hours.
Sure childbirth can be painful but have you ever tried shaving your knees with a fresh razor?
[sees that my girlfriend from 3rd grade is getting married] Wow you didn’t waste any time did you Becky
People that still call into radio stations are probably doing it from house phones.
Husband: Let’s coordinate a time when we can go to the gym together.
Me: There’s a weights class I’ve been wanting to try.
Husband: You could use some cardio too.
*****
Services will be held at 7pm/6 Central. In lieu of flowers, please donate to your local pet shelter.
Decided to stop saying “please subscribe” in my videos and it’s working. No new subscribers.
Sure stepping on a Lego is painful, but have you ever twisted your ankle tripping over a cold and shamed Natalie Imbruglia lying naked on the floor?
Me: (goes back in time to kill baby Hitler)
Hitler: Goo goo ga ga
Me: I can’t do it(goes ahead in time to when he’s a teenager)
Hitler: Nice haircut granddad
Me: *cocks gun*
“Your cute”
“My cute what?”
WIFE: I want u to be more spontaneous
ME: ok
[later]
ME: *hides in closet with goalie mask on waiting for her to walk by*
The Pillsbury Doughboy is a goddam monster who sacrifices his own people so that he can get a finger poke.
Genie: you get three wishes
Dog: I wish I was inside
Genie: two wishes
Dog: I wish I was outside
Genie: one wish
Dog:
Genie:
Dog: I wish I was inside
I can’t stand lactose intolerant people who work at ice cream parlors. They can dish it out but they can’t take it.
Me: Sorry, I can’t tonight. I already made plans.
Him: That’s too bad. There’s going to be open bar and–
Me: What time should I be there?
Actually, this is my first rodeo. Why is that angry cow trying to kill me?
Hold up how is Popeye strong enough to squeeze a metal can of spinach into his mouth BEFORE he’s eaten the spinach
Talking about me behind my back? Good. My ass likes attention.
Boy are people gonna be upset when they find out the God Particle is black…