What one thing may cause you to snap so that you could see yourself committing murder?
<At same time>
Husband: If anyone hurt my chil-Me: Being forced to listen to jazz music — I mean, children. I’m going with the children thing.
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Waiter: What dressing would you like on your salad?
Me: Ice cream
Apple announces iPhone bug that allows it to be hacked with a single click, in a ‘more intuitive and natural way than an Android bug’.
I paid $5.99 for The Interview. I now want North Korea to kill me.
“OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD!Damn these thin walls. Don’t know if my neighbors are having sex, praying or having a coronary.
Don’t ever look away from a police officer. Just stare him down. You don’t wanna look suspicious.
*fakes own death*
*attends own funeral in disguise*
*takes attendance*
#Caturday
*at plastic surgery consultation*
Surgeon: “So here’s the estimated cost for the plastic surgery.”
Me, broke: “How much for paper surgery?”
I thought stacking Oreos and displaying them in a decorative jar was a great idea, but I’m just eating them instead.
My son didn’t think it was funny when I told him go “go forth and multiply” before his math exam.
Let’s face facts, we all secretly suspected civilisation was just a phase.
sorry… can’t now, i’m busy nursing a hand cramp from getting a slightly bigger phone
her: my fantasy is eating whipped cream off each other, what’s yours
JRR Tolkien: *big breath in*
[history class in 2069]
TEACHER: how did the Civil War begin?
ME: when the United Nations prepared to pass the Sokovia Accords, which would establish a UN panel to oversee and control The Avengers, Iron Man and Captain America were divided.
TEACHER: correct
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
Meth is short for Elizameth.
Me: Well, this calls for a celebration *cracks open beer*
Wife: …you took out the trash
“Oh, hey! I didn’t even recognize you!” means “I saw you and tried to avoid you, but here you are.”
5yo: I know what the middle finger means.
Me: What?
5yo: It’s bad.
Me: It’s alright. You can say it.
5yo: It means you want to fight god.
My dad to me: When I was a kid, people would suffer paralysis and death from Polio.
Me to my son: When I was a kid, hand dryers barely did anything.
Unsuspecting male: So what kind of restaurants do you like?
Me: Open ones.
I haven’t had a boyfriend in so long I’m down to my last hoodie
At this point the only thing Lady Gaga could do that would shock me is to come out on stage wearing a sensible pantsuit from Talbots.
SHOUT OUT TO ALL THE WEATHER REPORTERS RISKING LIFE & LIMB SO WE CAN ALL KNOW WHAT A 130MPH HURRICANE LOOKS LIKE IN THE DARK!
Me (holding two sticks of butter): now where did i put that stick of butter? hmm i guess i didn’t get one out. hey kiddo could you grab a butter
My Son (also holding two sticks of butter): i just checked the fridge. we’re all out
I was late to my first fight club last night so I missed the introduction but it was still really fun and I highly recommend fight club
[restaurant]
ME: *reading menu* how’s the chicken parm?
OUR WAITER, TONY THE TIGER: it’s grr-
MANAGER: *glares at Tony*
TONY: it’s exquisite
[first day as a spy]
Wife: what’s your bosses name?
Me: I can’t tell you that
Wife: why?
Me: because I don’t remember, Linda
Wife: I need to lose weight
Me: Maybe you should work out
Wife: Maybe we should workout together
Me: Maybe I should mind my own business