I got the scar above my lip from *my time in prison.
*When my coffee mug launched itself out of my cupboard before work.
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Pronouncing words correctly is not my fort.
Went gluten-free and already lost 15 friends in the first week!
War & Peace wasn’t written to be downloaded on your iPad, Carol. Tolstoy wrote it for you to carry around and impress people with.
🚫No Riding A Motorcycle While Being Haunted By The Memory Of A Deceased Pet
my idea of a perfect crime? I’ll show you
wife: Why is 9 crying?
me: Because it’s raining and he’s getting wet
wife: But we’re at a water park
me *takes a drink from my flask* Yep
I’m at the ‘you fold laundry too loudly’ part of marriage.
Umm..I don’t want to be “that inmate,” but could you tell the chef that this needs more salt.
it’s fun to mess with teachers by training your kids to review books with terms like “sophomoric” and “pedestrian”
[hosting a kids show]
ME: ok everybody, what time is it?? say it loud!!
KIDS: OWL! TOUCHING! TIME!
[camera zooms in on a startled barn owl]
I’m sorry I whispered “a weem a way” over and over during your jungle safari slide show…
I never go where I’m not wanted, unless you’re serving cake. If you’re serving cake I’ll be there either way.
Sometimes I open my dog’s giant food bag with a knife so she is impressed with my kibble hunting skills.
Me: bathe me in the dust of those I have devoured
Friend: are you talking to your Cheetos
Me: Put on your seatbelt.
13: Do I have to?
Me: not if you want your face shattering the windshield
13: cool
Me: PUT ON YOUR SEATBELT!
This is gonna be the worst sex tape ever. RT @KimKardashian: What you gonna do when you have Hulk Hogan in the house!!?!!
Home alone tonight
The fridge is making weird noises
I think the beer wants out….
[edison inventing lightbulb]
[match appears over his head]
I have an idea
Sure I’d love a long chat. Let me make you more comfortable. *slides a cactus plant between us*
Interviewer: “How are your multitasking skills?”
*thinks of all the times I tweet while pooping*
Me: “Excellent.”
My phone told me my screen time was up 82% last week and honestly nobody asked you
turn-ons:
• eye contact
• people who pay attention to me
• people who know how to push my buttons
• oh god im a television
• how did this h―
Replying to all emails with “ya think?”.
Me: I’m finally letting myself go gray
Dermatologist: you really need some sun
I realized I was taking too long to get my toddler her food when she started growling at me
I like my women with curves.
Those skinny ones are alway mad cause they’re hungry.
damn boy, are you a horoscope? because i’m selectively focusing on the parts of you that make sense for me
My Conservative Uncle Read More Thanksgiving Argument Guides Than Me and Turned Me Racist
doctor: describe your morning routine
me: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance
doctor: m-o-r-n-i-n-g
me: I know how to spell it
Me: Anyone seen my black shoes?
12yo: If you put them away when you took them off, you’d know where they are.
Someone likes to live life dangerously.