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*Last Will & Testament
And to my children, I leave this pile of paper scraps with ingredients written on them, but not any measurements or the name of the recipe those ingredients are supposed to make.
If your conservative parents piss you off over the holidays, come out to them. You don’t even have to be gay, it’s just a fun thing to do.
There’s no way that Cinderella was treated like shit her entire life, then a prince tells her he loves her & she wasn’t like “yeah right.”
Just walked to the mailbox and the neighbor drove his riding mower into a ditch. I would’ve helped him out, but I wasn’t wearing pants.
“You made your bed now lay in it” doesn’t really sound like a punishment to me. I love laying in a freshly made bed.
And other 5am thoughts
Look, I respect the skill. But no.
but how do I know if a guy hates me FOR ME
it kind of looks like someone just took away their laptop
So I adopted a bunny today ❤ everyone meet Mr. Whiskers.
M: *hands you back your baby*
Aw, is he getting too heavy?
M: Heavy? No, he smells like old people and raisins.
If Spotify has taught me anything, it’s that I don’t know the correct lyrics to any of my favourite songs.
Tell me I’d look good in a potato sack or lose me forever
13-year-old: Do you know where the cord is to the electric keyboard?
Me, knows exactly where it is: No.
I’m at my most walk of shame when I’m wearing sweatpants heading back to the buffet for the third time.
GUY WHO INVENTED CELEBRATING BIRTHDAYS: *is born* Ok wow like what an accomplishment
MOTHER: For me?
GUY: N- HELL no. For me. Please shut up
looks like someone ordered the brontosaurus ribs
teacher: what would you like to do when you grow up?
Edgar: *shrugs*
teacher: Poe, try
It’s amazing how little sleep you can survive on, just by eating right, cutting out alcohol & sharing a bedroom with a vengeful poltergeist.
If you mean sleeping all day and only speaking to demand meals then yes, my teen has cat-like reflexes
Getting caught doing nothing is NOT an option
My wife is:
1) Am amazing mom and a great friend
2) Still the most beautiful girl I’ve ever been with
3) Now following me on Twitter
“i don’t think people should get murdered” have you considered people are the number one cause of murder in the world? so you support murderers???
Just when you think you’re getting a real break from socializing, someone organizes a drive by honking parade.
These guys came to me one by one, and now we solve mysteries on the south side of Huddersfield.
50 Shades of Yellow. #SpongebobMovie #SuperBowl
Captain: relax, it’s just a title
Second Mate: WHAT DOES HE MEAN TO YOU
is it pronounced stephen or stefan? anyways he’s now pronounced dead, sorry about your dad kid *ruffles hair*
“Relax, honey. It’s more scared of you than you are of it.”
I saw my ex and her new man at mattress warehouse so being my ever helpful self I told him don’t buy a memory foam, you won’t be around long enough for it to remember you.
Don’t worry, my tweet. Not all tweets can be winners… Daddy loves you just as much.