5: I need you to give me some money.
Me: Why?
5: Let me worry about that.
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If bras are called over the shoulder boulder holders then panties should be named under the hip lip grippers.
[picking her up for a date]
ME: you should know that i have a baby from another marriage
HER: really?
ME: yes, but the parents haven’t realized it yet so we gotta hurry, get in
I used to think Pet Insurance was a waste of money but my cat is at the vets & they’ve sent us a really lovely little courtesy cat.
superman: can i borrow 500 bucks?
batman:
superman:
batman:
superman: [sighs] can i batborrow 500 batbucks?
batman: yep
I can’t go to jail…
I have serious food allergies!
I was at the shops & the woman in front of me was asking where the cucumbers were
The assistant came back with a small cucumber & she said “yes I saw that but I want a big one” & I actually said out loud “that’s what she said” & yes I think I spend too much time on the Twitter
I hated Sex Ed at school. Or ‘Sexy Edward’, to give him his full name.
“I heard you were responsible for like 30 million deaths. That’s crazy.” Jimmy Fallon interviewing Stalin
Welcome to your forties, when “the wee hours” now means the time you have to get up at night to pee.
Gonna start feeding my dog condoms, so when she poops they’re already in tiny little bags!
“Despite my best efforts, my hot air balloon just isn’t going to fly.”
“Dude, that’s a bike with a blanket on it.”
“My best efforts.”
[loud knocking]
“OPEN UP. IT’S THE POLICE!”
Me: Prove it.
“HOW?”
Me: Sing “Roxanne.”
Me: Siri set an alarm for 6am tomorrow morning. I want to go to the gym before work.
Siri: Lol
SPOUSE: No.
ME: It’s just a costume.
SPOUSE: You’re not going to your parents’ Halloween party as “the child they wished they had.”
[dinner]
HER: don’t embarrass me tonight
ME: how would I do that?
WAITER: just an fyi we ran out of lettuce
ME: ok, everyone romaine calm
I don’t always announce myself on conference calls but when I do it’s always at the exact same time as somebody else.
I let my 5 year old talk me into playing kickball-basketball, so now I’ve got to explain this bloody nose to my wife.
think my Uber driver is flirting w/ me
the prophecies have been fulfilled
My teacher told me not to worry about spelling because in the future there will be autocorrect and for that I am eternally grapefruit.
Mornin
No wonder chickens can’t fly
STOP EATING THEIR WINGS
was reading about defunct airlines again and i can’t believe they named it this
Welcome to your 50’s, your knees will now decide when you will sit down.
To their credit, selfie sticks may be the only proof future archaeologists have to dispute the notion cameras grew directly out of our arms
Got attacked by a pigeon this morning and accidentally won a 5k road race.
[blind date]
Me: [text] I’m down at the end of the bar, wearing a suit
Her: *looks*
Me: *wearing hazmat suit, waves with gloved hand*
HOW TO TRICK A MAN INTO MARRIAGE
her: hey babe they’re serving all you can eat beans at this church
him: see you there
[at the church]
her: I just found out the beans are only for married couples
him: ahh fine
Think before you yell at your kids. They are the ones who might have to bring you toilet paper in 20 minutes
If I get married I want my last name to be hyphenated. Mr. and Mrs. Hyphenated.