If you bring back your paper bags at Whole Foods, they’ll give a refund of 5 cents. After a year you’ll have enough money to buy an orange.
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I’ve adopted an elephant virtually. The elephant itself is actually.
i used to think i was final girl material, but i’m actually the one who’s killed while frantically searching for her glasses
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but those single unmatched socks that have been on top of your dryer for years have a better chance of finding a mate than you do.
me: hey man you ready to go?
goku: hold on I gotta charge my phone
me:
goku: AHHHHHHHHHH
me: almost done?
goku: AHHHHHHHHHH
me: son of a-
[On the next episode of…]
Please stay on the line. Your call is important to us. We think we might be in love with your call. We made your call a mix tape.
For introverts, the worse kind of head-on collision is running directly into the person we’re avoiding at the grocery store
The reason I don’t like Facebook’s “memories” feature is because it shows me 6 years ago wearing the same shirt I have on right now.
WIFE: *spells out words so the kids won’t know what she is saying*
ME: [to the kids] I don’t know either.
“Have you seen my dog? He drove away from home…”
Me on my way to annoy my favorite person
judge: “you have chosen to defend yourself, is that correct?”
me: [muffled from inside full suit of armour] “that’s correct”
I picked up three XL pizzas and the woman there gave me two napkins like I was going to eat them in my car, and I think I just met my soulmate.
Why is “goodnight” one word, but “good morning” a lie?
If you keep your AC any higher than 75, please don’t invite me to your terrarium you lizard.
PEDIATRICIAN: This could sting a little.
KID: Okay.
PEDIATRICIAN: One day the sun will envelope the earth and we will all turn to dust.
Today seems like a good day to wash my hair and take 10 selfies wearing 10 different shirts so I can pretend I look human on a regular basis
The wife: what do you want for Christmas, sky is the limit
Me: new boat
The wife: lower sky
barista: how do u take your coffee
me, a twitter idiot: with my hand
[wife opens emergency kit after disaster] WTF THERE’S NOTHING IN HERE EXCEPT ENYA ALBUMS
Me: [trying to hide my shame] oh wow, whose are those
Millennials complain a lot about how we can’t afford homes or retirement savings like our parents, but we have a lot of things they didn’t…like GPS, food allergies, adult acne, side hustles, and fluency in mental health terminology.
I made a list of things I would do for fried chicken. I’m not proud of the list, but not ashamed enough to cross anything off.
If Rocky 4 couldn’t improve Russia and US relations then nothing will
I’m about to go for a run as soon as I text all my enemies and let them know.
It isn’t alcoholism if you’re a method actor training for a role as an alcoholic in a movie that doesn’t exist.
*skinny dips into black hole
Me: what should I do?
Dentist: stop eating sugar, drinking coffee and wine, cut back on stress..
Me: right but like realistically
Kids today: Find out school is cancelled via text
Me: Had to wake up at 5 a.m. and watch the bottom of the tv screen like the NFL Draft
There are two kinds of dog owners. Those that have tried their dog’s treats and those that are lying.
Found a box of photos in the closet, one of which was me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe that was over six months ago.
Your husband’s super cute, is he single?