Robber: [hands teller a note]
Teller: [reads note] You want me to “pretend” to hand over all the money?
R: Yes, and hurry it up!
T: Why?
R: We’d never done this before so we’re doing a dry run to work out the kinks before we rob you tomorrow.
T:
R: How am I doing so far?
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January 29, 1802, 2 AM: I hope this letter finds you well. Are you up?
March 2: I am, good sir
April 6: Would you kindly come over?
May 9: K
DATE’S FATHER: if you could have dinner with anyone alive or dea-
ME: Launchpad McQuack
HIM: I don’t think you underst-
ME: Launch👏pad👏Mc👏Quack👏
her: what’s your last name?
me: it’s French
her: that’s nice dear, but what is it?
me: no my last name is literally just French.
her: oh how fun, do you speak French?
me: idk do you speak Johnson, Barbara?
*Love in the time of coronavirus*
Hey baby, want to go back to my place and play find the paper cut with the hand sanitizer?
Why don’t people ever put the big lights on in horror films?
Nobody learns to parkour faster than a parent chasing a toddler with a sharpie
absolutely love it when i spend all morning crafting an email so professional and precise it is essentially endorsed by the better business bureau only for dave from accounts payable to reply “ok” in size 45 comic sans
Before you reply to a tweet, take a deep breath.
Now hold it.
Hold it…
Hold it….
Hold it…
Keep holding it…
Die.
Didn’t think the neighbors would notice the new bush, but this note asking me to wear pants suggests otherwise
Hillary: if we aren’t careful donald trump could be our next president. Let that sink in
Clinton Aide: *opens door*
Sink: sorry i’m late
Authors subtitle books “A Novel”. Why don’t we subtitle other things? Fast and Furious: A Movie. Broccoli cheddar casserole: A Recipe.
[on first date]
I’ll have an iced tea, please.
Waiter: Sure. Ummm…anything for the balloon with a woman’s face drawn on it?
I looked out the window to enjoy the beautiful view of our mountains. I then looked over to the left toward the end of our driveway and I see my 10 yo and 8 yo. They were twerking whenever cars came by.
We have to move now.
This is now my favourite pie chart ever.
I used to be able to eat whatever I wanted without gaining weight. Now I pick up a fork and gain seven pounds.
Just bought 6 pounds of cheese. Won’t need toilet paper now.
My favorite adult hack is when I carefully and thoughtfully put something very important away so I can’t lose it and then I never find it again
I hate it when you’re about to sacrifice a baby, and you notice one of the other satanists is wearing the same robes.
Someone said I should think before I speak and I said “eww what a horrible way to live”
As there aren’t any female leprechauns, where do leprechauns come from
~ something to ponder every St Patrick’s Day
😜
The way I dealt with that unexpected cobweb to the face tells me I probably wouldn’t have been much use in Vietnam.
I’ve spent 8 hours cleaning my house!! Keep in mind that this is over a period of 25 years, but still.
Her: Do you want to see Downton Abbey tonight?
Me: Only if John Wick shows up and one of them killed his puppy.
[etching on stone tablets] oh and another thing
People are like plastic bags: Some are meant to fly, some have holes — but are still useful — and, well, others are full of dog shit.
Waiter: hi I’m Dave and I’ll be taking care of you
Me: I’ve been hurt before, dave
Unsolved mysteries is my wife and I trying to figure out how we no longer have enough hangers for the clothes we washed that were on hangers before we wore them.
There’s something mentally wrong with people who ask other parents if their baby isn’t the cutest baby they’ve ever seen
Cop: License and registration, please.
Me: Sure, can you hold my beer?