A chihuahua is just a barking cat.
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China: ok. now we start the Great Roof.
How can my wife’s hands not open a jar of pickles in the day, but become superhuman vice-grips at night when I want some covers?
Nice try, poison.
Conversational tip: For every minute that you spend talking about yourself, set aside 10 seconds for the other person to say something; give them time to give you a compliment.
Guten Morgen. What do you call an angry German mob?
Sauer crowd.
He’s heavily invested in crypto so kinda clearly doesn’t know when to let something go
every time i take my cat for a walk on the beach i imagine how mind blowing it is for him to be in a giant litter box
Ways I’m like a tea kettle: 1) need water 2) start screaming when someone forgets abt me 3) could burn down a house but probably never will
“Everybody cut foot loose” – Russian version of Saw
I should not have taken this before my big rap battle
My wife is in a Facebook group called Buy Nothing where people list stuff they’re giving away.
The other day, a lady came to our house to pick up two granola bars that we didn’t like
Back in the good old days, we didn’t have to trim our toenails they just got wore down naturally from running from dinosaurs
DATE’S FATHER: if you could have dinner with anyone alive or dea-
ME: Launchpad McQuack
HIM: I don’t think you underst-
ME: Launch👏pad👏Mc👏Quack👏
ME: Make every guy afraid of me.
GENIE: As you wish.
ME: (a tampon): son of a
Witch 1: *crying* the doctor said I can’t have kids
Witch 2: oh no, why?
Witch 1: I need to watch my cholesterol
Would the person who has been writing my horoscope please lighten up.
It’s not sexual harassment unless I don’t get the raise I was promised.
[House has collapsed]
Fireman: Your dad is stuck underneath, I’m not sure we’ll find him in time
Me: *steps nearer* GUESS I’LL BE DOING ALL THE GRILLING FROM NOW ON
*rubble starts to move*
As an ex-smoker, if I’d known back then just how many balloons I’d be expected to blow up in later years, I’d have thought twice about ever having kids.
When I’m in an elevator with a stranger I generally hold their hand to let them know that they’re safe
My town had a really bad storm 2 days ago& my neighbor lost the roof of his house& the poor guy doesn’t have insurance. I’ve decided to start a gofundme to raise $ so I can go to Hawaii for a few weeks cuz he’s about to start doing construction& I hate being around all that noise
I’m keeping my wedding small. Probably won’t have a bride.
Date: Lets break the ice.
Polar bear: break th-[shatters Coke bottle] BREAK THE ICE? What are you saying?!
D: I mea-
PB: THATS MY HOME LINDA
Me: This spaghetti is spicy.
Aquarium Employee: Did you just bite an electric eel
The walls in my panic room are painted beige so I’m panicking but bored about it.
The Bible would be more believable if Adam was tempted by a slice of pizza instead.
If theres an otter, youre underwater. If a ferret you see, then on land you be.
They say 1 out of every 5 humans is Chinese.
Out of me and my 4 siblings, I’m pretty sure it’s either Carl or Liu Yang.
Me: Honey, would you please go downstairs and get mommy’s medicine and bring it up to her?
3yo: *Brings up a bottle of whiskey*
Me:
Hubby: “Well, she’s not wrong…”
Daughter: Mom, it happened! He DMed me as soon as I followed him!
Mom: Oh honey!! I’ll call the florist and book the church for a fall wedding!!